The Leominster Orb

Today I'd like to talk about 'mysterious orbs'. You know the ones. Some people believe they are invisible evidence of alien spirits. However, many local researchers doubt whether orbs are ufo's at all. One popular theory proposes orbs are a form of energy that is used by ghosts and spookies to transport themselves, via Leominster, to the higher realms - like some big, round, glowing taxi. No one knows whether spirits are able to consciously harness this energy for use around the farm, but the same researchers theorise that the energy being transformed takes the form of a sphere, and this is why orbs appear as round balls, because they take the form of a sphere, or giant circle. Or ball.

Orbs are often witnessed at locations where some form of full moon festivity has reportedly taken place. Skeptics point out that instead of indicating something otherworldly, these occurrences can easily be explained away as:

* Local cider alignments
* Round tractors
* UFO's
* Giant circles
* Round balls

Some instances where orbs have shown up may be explained in the theories listed above, but can these theories possibly account for every instance of giant balls? That would mean that a lot of bewildered locals are making mistakes and getting the wrong end of the lever, or stick and seeing balls where they shouldn't. It would seem the truth lies somewhere in between Kington and Leominster.

Some investigators think that orbs that are either white or rubbery in appearance are an indication that a little man is trapped inside. It may also be a sign that the man is there to offer protection to local farmers. Rubbery energy is typically perceived as positive in nature, but don't touch it with your stick/smells a bit funny.

Keep in mind that these are just theories proposed by professional paranormal investigators, and they can't be considered real at this time. Perhaps one day parapsychologists or the council will be able to offer a definitive explanation for orb stuff. Until then, we will have to assume that it's a load of circles.

Illusion struggles

I haven't had any of these for a while...another email from 'The Venusian Rainbow Scribe' or 'Acid Head Terry from Leominster' as he's known locally.

Greetings, lovers of planet Earth! We welcome you inside our energy valves, and cosmic bendings. We offer you once again clues from the codex regarding your shifting human bodies and legs, to give you understanding on how these shapes work in connection with the celestial levers, and hope that you can gracefully weather gaseous displacement caused by over enthusiastic curtain opening.

Our cosmic nosetubs favorite saying is, "Align your barns to the stench of Norris!"

I have recently been affected by what I like to call 'illusion struggles'. This has occured on several occasions in the 'Bucket and Shovel' down on Market Hill. Pubs are a wonderful place to attempt alien shape meditation, though I am currently respecting a temporary ban from some local establishments which should be rectified shortly stop
behave please don't lorrie barnes.

After an evenings ritualistic cider consumption I have had difficuly locating the correct geometry of the shpere. Sometimes the sphere manifested as a symmetrical solid, but the sphere is different in kind from the five symmetrical solids you find in a typical barn. The sphere, however, is the shape that all five symmetrical solids appear to form when they are rubbed rapidly by a over excited farmer. That is, the sphere is the resulting image or illusion that appears when any one of the five symmetrical solids rotates very rapidly like a big round thing.

In this way, spheres are examples of illusions within illusions inside hair shapes - that is, the symmetrical solids are illusions themselves that take on the illusional shapes of spheres when they are rubbed about with a magic stick. The resulting bobbing and spherical illusions within illusions usually resulted in my naked form falling out of alignment of the pub, only to be discovered by a shocked farmers wife by the kerbside early on market day - twice in the past month.

Thom Yorke Electrical Shop, Kington

I was going to put this in a new 'picture of the week' spot, but I've got another one for that with trees.

This was sent to me by Emrys Hughes and shows the old electrical shop in the high street. I don't think it's connected to the boy from Radiohead though as this was in the nineteen hunnerts like.

It's great to see the old 'full english breakfast' sculpture again. Uncle Ron used to tease me when I were a boy that it was made from real sausages, which of course is nonsense. What a card.

Kington Show

I haven't posted much on here lately, due to some strange goings on which I will provide more information about at a later date. I am also working on a new thesis for the Kington Hig Street standing stone alignments, which, if I lay off the cider for long enough, should appear on this site in the next few days.

For now though lets enjoy some films of the Kington Show. No fighting like, just good clean fun look. If you watch really closely you might catch a glimpse of Elvis Presley, alive and well on the back of an old van covered in geometrical balls of paper.

I find they work best if you play them both at once.



Actually the Kington Show one won't let me embed it as they're frightened by aliens stealing their alignments, so I'll add a video of Boring Bob from Llandrindod Wells 'rolling a fag' instead. Don't forget to watch them both at once now:

Elvis was abducted by aliens - the proof

The now famous Drummond equation was developed by astronomer and local Kwiksave manager Reg Drummond who conducted the first modern search for extraterrestrial life in 1975. His equation seeks to establish the number of local farmers with access to levers that might exist in the Radnorshire distric:

B * OL * 7's * D * GD * C * L = OKS

In the equation, B is the hyperbolic rate of star bending averaged over the lifetime of an average farmer; OL the fraction of stars with magic sticks; 7's the auto number of planets per system with Radiohead albums suitable for the 'woe is me' factor; D stands for donkey; GD the fraction of gaseous displacement in Kington that ignites during the lifetime of the local Kington Show; C the fraction of planets on which advanced technical civilizations have curtains; L etc etc; and OKS something here about our Kington Show emitting detectable radio rubbings in the valves of your mind.

As you can see, this all goes to prove that Elvis was indeed the subject of an alien abduction. I have also found the following conclusive proof from The Internet:

Men in Black: If MIB taught us anything, it’s that anyone you’ve ever suspected of being from outside of Kington actually is - from 'Chipshop' Les Price to Thom Yorke. As for The King, "he didn’t die", Agent K coolly informs us, "he just went back to Kington".

'The Bride of Elvis' Kathleen Ann Goonan: Elvis wasn’t just the King of pop, he was a proper King, a royal member of an alien race just outside Leominster. Fearing his wild ways on Earth would lead to his premature demise, his guardian angels, known as 'Rodneys' put him in a rubbery coma until their tractor returns to take him away.

Hairmageddon: The Musical by Robert Rankin: A group of aliens become frightfully distressed when their favorite soap opera – Eastenders – is about to be cancelled due to a collapse in the local hair treatment industry. To extend Earth’s hairtime, they decide to create an alternate plotline in which Hairports destruction is delayed. So they send Barry the Stylist back in time to persuade Elvis Presley to resist the rubbings and fat, thus averting World War 2. The time-travelling Elvis ends up creating some alternate histories of his own, including one in which he’s worshipped as a council official in Llandrindod.

Triangle UFO shapes over Kington

Look: on Yahoo

Triangular alignments, cheese pointy, over Peru, the USA, Kington, everywhere. Triangular alignments, the truth in shape.

Vone folders

Got this one in this morning from 'His Regal Presidency Radiohead Reg from Llandovery':

We have been asked for directions on how to connect with the levers of light from the Local Kington High Council or the Kwiksave Federation to offer our magnets to the world.

Every bloke who is truly a seeker of truth in shape and the magic sticks which comprise the crystal Hillage temples can have rubbery contact with these two things. They both work for the elevation of the locals in every shape that this might take. Therefore the curtains are open for those who genuinely look for it look. While yea, it takes a bit of work and that, you can do it, come on. We see that you are indeed a genuine seeker of truth in shape and the pathway to radical valve rubbing in the centre of your cosmos, just round the back of the library

This entails one vibrating lever that connects this conical contact with another thing, and must have the ability to understand them reality streams in your mind-pub. So while a local farmer has a right to reveal his things to these three groups they must work on their ability to perform in front of the five invisible aliens. This is by the way no condemnation of the placement of your levers, but this hair preparation is the way they do it in the local Kington pubs like. So compliance with these rules causes difficulty comprehending the concept of such a rubbery thing.

There's a bit more here which I'll add later.

Spooky photo proves life on Mars

So those jellyfish things I saw in the sky after coming out the pub in Kington last week were real!

Kington & chips

I've gone on this Twitter thing now look [follow me]. I was logging in last night like from my camera thing. Anyway, I'm posting now from the library. I was going to have a pie but last nights chips haven't moved yet see. Don't fancy catching the bus to Leominster either, especially in these trousers, so I'm off back to the flat to contemplate the Dharmachakra and the corresponding mudrā, or wavey hand gesture. I should have used something similar on that bloke in the chip shop last night that swore like Elvis.

Trimethylamine - fishy breathed farmers

In this post I shall attempt to present some of the concepts in allegorical form to make them more understandable to yous because it is very difficult to discuss esoteric curtain matters using physical examples hidden behind the sofa of your barns?

At the time I wrote 'The Mambo of yourn ploog', right, it was still not time to present much detail about the properties of the five conical shapes in style (excluding the wavey hand thing). To begin with, the concept of a leg-shaped pub was so funny that I anticipated Radiohead fans would have tremendous difficulty comprehending the concept of such a rubbery thing, let alone find their way to the gents/and/or/ladies. For that reason, I did not go deeply into describing the properties of the other "leggy restaurants" (the five geometrical sevens), and specifically avoided discussing how this cider defined "stick" is used in the "stop it please/Lorrie Barnes" of the five Radnorshire universes. It was not yet time then to expand on the nature of the placement of your levers, but now is the right time look.

Benny Fondles discovered that there were only five symmetrical ufo's. These are: hedronaround, hexarunaroundron (commonly called The Queens Head), octarunaroundron, donkeyron, and icosahedronarunarounddon. Clive James worked with the information handed down by Fondles regarding the five invisible aliens. Unfortunately, much of the information that Fondles had presented was complete nonsense and/or covered in chip stains by the time James commenced his work on the five things.

Fifteen millennia later, The Reverend John Naughty also investigated the properties of these elusive bits. He had to piece together what he could from what remained of the information Fondles and James threw together because it had been messed about with and was a bit smelly and covered in valves. These five people intuitively guessed that if they could solve the mysteries of the universe, then they would have the keys to unlocking the mysteries their minds. Incidentally, Fondles, James and Naughty are of the same cosmic stench, rubbing against different physical bodies at separate alignments across Kington at different periods just after closing time.

There's a bit more stuff about this look but I've run out of things.

Astronomy Domine

Years ago, when Acid Head Terry first communicated with me, he wrote a letter asking if I could explain why Roger Gough had been so fascinated by the properties of the rubbery ledges that he had discovered hidden behind a tin in his garge. Terry too, was intrigued by the properties of these mystical rubbery ledges. I responded with a single sentence: "I am glad that you like this Roger." I knew what Terry was curious about, but it was not time for either the drink, or crisps to be revealed.

Terry later told me that when he received my brief and cryptic reply he could see that I had been 'laughing my trousers off when I wrote it like'. He also said that he 'meditated upon it see, and after several litres of the local Kwiksave 'Sacred Geometry Cider' like' realised that I understood what he was asking about, but had chosen to 'keep dem curtains closed on dis fing'.

Of course Terry was correct. It was not time then for me to explain the properties of the five rubbery ledges, discussion of which often includes a wavey hand as the sixth and also incorporated symbolic geometry. In previous writings, I have touched upon the properties of one of the rubbery ledges by explaining that a trine indicates harmony, and ease of expression, with the two elements rubbing against each other. They are not cheese triangles, as they appear, but are rapidly oscillating nine-sided alignment schedules that become bearers of the cosmic nosetub and knowers of the truth in shape. Due to the harmony bestowed on these ledges, significant illusions of 'Danking yourn tentaculars' may occur.

Terry's coming round later - we're off for a spot of shape spotting in Radnorshire, followed a booze up in Kington.

Mystery Lights Over The Midlands

A "specticular" display of millions of UFOs and flying shapes has been reported in the skies over the black country/and/or Builth.

Eyewitnesses told Reg Price that up to '7 bright circles' could be seen near Builth, just past the Post Office. Stunned residues watched in disbelief, convinced they were viewing rubbery shapes via an extra-terrestrial pair of spectacles.

Each object was encircled with lights and curtains, had lights in the middle, and lights on the end of a stick, according to witness and Cliff Richard fan Harry Benches who lives in Kington in a small cave with is wife Mavis and seventeen children.

He said: "This looked clever and specticular. The lights seem to hang like tickets in the sky like, right, to the north of the Post Office look, just before 8pm last night as I was coming back from the Greyhound. Yeah?

A neighbour had shouted for us to come and look see. There were so many objects - yeah? From a distance, right, they looked like lights, or shapes, being held by a giant behind a net curtain? Right? These boys were absolutely silent and travelling at probably twice the speed of a normal tractor with a flashing light on it.

Then they came towards us/coming you closer/ and flew right over my top see. Some were so close they were almost rubbing and were only a hunnert feet or ten above us?

Yeah?"

Birmingham International airport is to the east of the sightings, but according to Mr Hairy Dennis, the flight path comes nowhere near the pub. "Aircraft are not allowed to fly over this area see. Yous can regularly see dem flying machines in the distance like, and I can tell you boy that this was something a bit funny" he said.

Hair traffic control at Birmingham International airport had nothing on their leaves to suggest anything out of the ordinary and put the incident down to 'high spirits'.

Interstellar Venusian Rainbow Acid

I had this through the post yesterday, from someone calling themselves 'The Venusian Rainbow Scribe'. The handwriting looked like 'Acid Head Terry's' though - I recognised it from a Radiohead tape he did for me, and it had a Leominster postmark. And he'd signed it 'Terry', but then crossed it out. Here it is anyway:

"Greetings people of Earth. You may have noticed time appearing to slow down or speed up. Maybe you've noticed that it hasn't speeded up or slowed down at all? Perhaps you have forgotten what day it is? Or you may think it is the next day when it is not, or you might think it's next Friday when in reality it is the preceeding Tuesday. Maybe you have missed an appointment with the social because you've got your Wednesdays mixed up and you no longer understand the concept of Thursdays. Or you may feel like shouting at passers by on the High Street or hiding in a cupboard.

The reality surrounding your body is billowing about in big wobbly waves right now. This dis-alignment of shapes could have affected your sense of time and broken your inner calendar. Linear time is a solid thing when you are fixed into a magic reality line, but if you disrupt the line the reality streams go all wrong. Many of you may have noticed that your reality is broken - in the last few days you might have noticed your connecting rods are slightly bent and your levers a bit rubbery.

The bendings are many. They exist in two barns. Photons from space have accelerated, bumping up against you, rubbing your valves into differing perspectives, and as a result your world-wide economies have gone a bit funny and you are afraid to put money in your building societies. The fear of change and the stench that is emanating from your twitching knees are the direct causes of a myriad of realigned shapes and gaseous displacement, on time slowing down, collapsing and compacting in a move towards the Grids of Norris that is coming via Cascob next week, possibly Thursday or maybe a week next Friday?"

I like getting your letters Terry...sorry...Venusian Rainbow Scribe, but I'm not completely sure what you're on about half the time.

Adventures in space

The men in black tractors

Well, I made it up to the Radnor Forest yesterday but didn't find the lost pyramids of Mu. As soon as I got there I realised the vast nature of my task - it's a huge area, mostly forested and bi-sected with numerous maze-like loggers roads. I found no connecting rods or crystal Steve Hillage Temples.

I'd taken my mountain bike with me, in the back of my old Ford Fiesta, and it helped me to cover many miles of these roads....but really I hardly scratched the surface, and passed hundreds of twisting pathways going deep into the forest that were too rugged for my old bike. It was difficult to navigate - none of the friendly barns or stone alignments of Herefordshire - this was a dense magnetic fog.

I had a sensation of being watched the whole time I was there. It was creepy, silent apart from the soudns of machinery at work deep in the woods, and I was glad to get away.

The forset is surrounded and broken up by miles of farmland. As the fields occasionally came into view between the trees, I spotted farmers at work in the fields on their tractors. But there was something different about the farmers in this area, something wrong. I couldn't see them clearly as they were some way off, but I could see no flat caps, no tweed jackets or oversized trousers held up with baler twine. These guys were smartly dressed, some in suits, and all of them wearing sunglasses - despite the overcast sky. And the tractors - no gay blue, reds or racing greens - just dull shades of black. They seemed more interested in watching me than ploughing the fields so I tried to keep from view.

On my way home I stopped at a cafe in nearby Presteigne and quizzed the local girl working there about the lost pyramids. She said she'd heard "nuffin about pyramids but dere's some weird stuff goin on like? Are yous talkin about them observatries?"

I checked my OS map when I got home and there are indeeed structures marked 'observatories'. I think I need to pay the forest a second vist, though next time under the cover of darkness.