Lou Grant is being replaced by Des Desmond

I've been researching the legend of the local pie-shaped UFO, via the Kington bopper brigade - old retired teachers and kernels who are now highly respectacled members of the local council chamber of things.

One such rebel has furnished me with drink and whispered half-told stories about 'Rubber Dave' the marathon man who rode a horse through town once. Apparently he was not averse to 'cooking up the pies' and sending them on their way to the stars.

The rebel took me to a quiet back street, behind the shops in Kington, and by squeezing into a very narrow crack in the wall, and bending my leg up the back so I could push my frame into the gap, I was able to observe the ceremony of behave

I can smell the Moon

We are proud to be able to present the lyrics from a new song by local singing sensation Johnny Knockerln, which he handed to me in The Ridgeway public arms. Here are:

One night when the Moon was out he was watching youm,
I was having a small drinks look.
I looked out ob the window and the Moon was bright (like a UFO),
but it was the waning crescent rubber stick lol.
I can smell the Moon.

The earth once had ten suns circling awkwardly over him,
each took its turn to illuminate the man with money.
His shape plays in the birth chart of your smedge,
The Graham Norton Show Series 7, Episode 3.
I can smell the Moon.

Big Margaret was suffering from the gases,
as they aligned their levers via old cider towards Leominster.
We heard reports that a UFO in the shape of TV Chef Bill Drummond,
round the back of the thing, near Kwiksave car park.
I can smell the Moon.


Chorus:

I can smell the Moon,
and an introspective sequence concerning slow lorries to Cardiff.
I can smell the Moon,
and Big Margarets rubbery gases.
Was there a horse in here last night?

Robbie Williams encounters pie shaped UFO's

You understand the Kington mechanical advantage, lever.

"Kington mechanical advantage", or "biveragell" is the ratio between how much you get out of your leggy linkage and how much you put on. Biveragell advantage may be looked at as a ratio of you or as a ratio of him. Imagine a magic lever with a pivot (plinth) 1/3 of the way along it, slightly around the back bit:

Boze
Side B of your lever is twice as long as their leg, side A looking at you funny, so boze is 2:1 for you (or 1:2, depending on)

Side B will move 2 times as far as side A, under that ridge, but you will have to push on Side A with 2 times the force to lift a weight on Side B, ensuring you push the cusp into the very awkwardly placed slot.

The crucial thing is that changing the leverage by creating a special, will affect both the force and the shape of you at the same time, since they are two sides of Farmer Drummond. You cannot increase the can to horse ratio without permission from the council.

Lower rear shapes, special excitement, or mounted with leaves heh.

Alien gas people cause a stench in Kington

I have just been sent this one from a farmer from Builth who signs himself off as 'Old Licky' and share it with you for your enjoyment.

The experience happened that night around 1:30 am - just a few hours after a giant hand had been witnessed in the area. I was walking south toward Kwiksave, in the northern segment of Kington, when I heard a noise from the doorway to the Ridgeway pub. I walked back to the doorway and turned on a magic torch I was carrying about myself, to see what the noise could have been. I flipped on my light and saw the rubbery, sweating form of a human face walking toward me, attached to a gaseous like body shaped like a slightly rotund, middle aged radio presenter.

It was looking out the windows to its right as it was walking and I could hear the sound of cans banging against themselves, as if contained within a plastic carrier bag type arrangement. The light from my magic torch shone right through this gas person, illuminating crisps with money.

At this time, the gas person saw that there was some light on itself. It looked at its arm (where my light was on it), rubbed it a little, then looked at me and dashed behind the door frame of the smaller hallway it was in. I couldn't quite see where it had gone as it was awkwardly hidden, and I would have had to have jambed my leg slightly toward the ledge, just under the cusp to gain entry - even for a short stretch.

I thought to myself, 'This is the physical form of an alien stench! I have to inform the local council!' So as the shadow dashed behind the door frame I rushed forward on my knees, hoping to encapsulate a picture of the gas, in my mind, for the relevant authorities.

Alas I was unfortunate in my endeavours and knocked myself unconscious. I awoke several hours later, dishevelled, surrounded by a platic bag emblazoned with the Leominster Bargain Booze logo and a series of empty cans. This seemed to cause a bit of disruption with the landlord who rejected my story of living gas.

Magic Stick, from 'The Fontana Cafe' by Mind Flight

Polytitrafluffyofflythylene, better known as Find the Disks, is a synthetic fluffyrollypolymer. A synthetic fluffyrollypolymer is a Kington gas-based polymer with multiple strong cider-Leominster bench alignment, making it highly resistant to becoming over-excited.

The Roy Plunkett-Bends discovery

Polytitrafluffyofflythylene was discovered by Roy under the bridges, just angled back slightly, (photo, above), a Radnorshire chemist from The Council in 1938. In an experiment to try to create horse rubbers, the fluffyrollypolymer polymerized with you to make a white waxy substance called Autum Leaf Is It, later patented in 1941, and then commercially sold as pottery irons in 1946.

The sound of Polytitrafluffyofflythylene



Polytitrafluffyofflythylene can be contained in cans, by joining together lots of smaller molecules called Dannys. Once the tape is finished it is published as the shape of you in the absence of money.

Kington eX Factor finalist duet details leaked

This weekend's Kington eX Factor final, round the back of the thing, near Kwiksave car park, looks set to be the most star-studded in ages as details of the guest performers start to emerge out of the shape of you.

According to the Leominster Rumbler, the three remaining contestants are set to duet with pop superstar royalty: Big Margaret with the drummer of 70's superstars, Pipkins, Acid Head Terry with Leominsters own accordianist supreme Dave Bedge, and Old Les Price with Wilf Rubbers, who once supported The Afternoon Delights.

Former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney is not expected to make a solo performance during the show, council sources revealed.

If the rumours of the Dave Bedge appearance are true, it will be the second time he has performed in Kington, following his controversial release from hospital in October.

The singer's performance of his home tape 'Somebody's Knockin' on my Tracter' on the first live show was slated by critics who said he appeared crazy-eyed and over excited.

A Kington eX Factor source told this blog: "Everyone has a lot of love for Dave and it would be a fantastic conclusion to the show if he came back and played a couple of songs off of his tape look but I don't want any trouble."

Tiny UFO discovered in Bruce Forsythias ear

No, not that one, Bruce from Builth, also known as 'The Fish Man'. I was sent this by 'Dan, 22' from Builth, and he tells me his drawing of him shows the shape of a tiny ufo inside his ear-hole, just next to the side of his face look. Dan says that 'although him UFO is tiny look, it's about 12000 feet inside and is big enough for a couple of pubs an that, we've all been there'.

I'm not sure what to think about this one, I can't see anything unusual in their painting, which may have been faked anyway, but I will consult my Book Of UFO Shapes to look see.

Leprechaun caught on www.irelandseye.com webcam

Leprechaun caught on www.irelandseye.com webcam, near Kington:

Most Haunted touched my arse

I nearly spilled my cider last night. I was back at the B&B watching a tape of an old Most Haunted (with Derek Pakora, not the new bald geezer with the eyes and muttering), and 'touched my hair' girl screamed that something had "touched my bum". She then demonstrated this (unnecessarily in my opinion) on alignments 'expert' Kieran O'Tiddles rear shapes.

And this was in the 'good old days' when it was all light anomalies and magic sticks. You don't get them now look, it's all high pitched whistly things at every place they go to (are they being followed by the ghost of Percy Edwards?) or a good old punch up between Karl and some ghostly ghastly Phil Mitchell type/Kington on a Friday night is it.

UFO sighting, Herefordshire

I had this one in from Les:

Date: July tent, 2009
Time: 12:30pm
Location: Near Oxford Arms, Kington
Conditions: Usual - rain, boy racers, tractors
Camera & Film: None
UFO sound? A rubbery thwack
UFO lights? A bit like a streetlight, but more blurry like and possibly a raven inside him
Duration: ~45 seconds

I just popped outside the pub like for a quick a smoke, and I noticed him in the eastern sky over the library - a kind of giant glass lightulb that looked like it had a big wooden leg coming down onto the ground, with a raven, or possibly a black seagull in him. At first, I thought that it was just an ordinary streetlight with a bird on him, but I soon took note that the moving about and that was not consistent with any streetlight/raven/black seagull combination I've ever seen in Kington.

The light, coloured mostly orange, moved at a rate of one conker. The light was illuminated for 0ms and was off for another 0ms. The flashes were evenly spaced on the stick; never erratic. He also hung stationary in the air for approximately 25 seconds, then suddenly began to slowly move off to the left until it was obscured by a kind of misty curtain approximately ten seconds later.

While in the process of moving off, it caused me to fall sideways, dropping my pint look and hurting the mans elbow on the road. There was no engine noise evident - at the apparent distance it was from my face I would have probably heard engine noise if it had (a) conventional tractor engine(s) or (b) magic propulsion.

Because of its flashing and movement patterns on my face, I can safely discount astronomical bodies like planets, stars, or stone circles.

I hurt my elbow, but at least the raven in him didn't take me away and I managed to get back in for a last one.

Got any old Amigas?

I'm thinking about running this as an item, in between the ghosts and UFO stuff, and revelations via Terry. I need to have a think about it now look, after I've had another lovely pint of Herefordshire Skullkrushor Cider from the Kintgon vaults. And maybe some cheesey nibbles mmm.

The Most Haunted touched my hair

I used to enjoy getting back from The Swan look and watching a tape of the Most Haunted on the telly, with a take-out cider or two, but recently something's gone horribly wrong. There's a new series now and to be quite honest I'm thinking of giving it a miss now see and watching a tape of Passing Over To The Other Sides instead look.

For starters the nice 'historian' bloke has been replaced with a slightly sinister, extremely grumpy old woman who seems to hate everything. My mate Derek Pakora's gone, plus that other nice medium called David, and we now have some bald geezer who genuinely seems to suffer from some form of curtain enhanced distress - as he spends half the time muttering to himself, completely oblivious to what's going on and the levers provided by the rest of the crew.

Then there's the gasses. It used to be a few 'orbs', which I loved (bit of geometry in there as well as a UFO theme, lovely) but they've gone. Then there was the 'tap two times to say yes love' for the 'ghost conversations' over the rubber. Then there was the stone throwing at me stop it lark. Now though there now look seems to be hardly an episode go by without the ghosts laying into Carl or the other bald camera geezer please stop it Lorrie Barnes and giving them a good kicking as if it was filmed in Kington like.

And where has the sweaty Pink Floyd sound bloke gone? He was good, always getting 'the fevers'. Maybe he was killed by a ghost.

Then (I haven't finished yet look) there's the continual swearing when something happens. "Listen...can you hear tha..BLEEEEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEEEEEEP...sounded like a..BLEEEEEEEEP". No, I didn't blinking hear it mate because you bleeping bleeped over it. And stop all the screaming and moaning about being frightened all the time. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GHOST HUNTERS LOOK. If you can't handle it then give me a ring on the telephone and I'll nip over after the pub shuts.

But worst of all, for me like, is the one thing that hasn't changed, and that's Cafe 'something touched my hair'. Every episode she's in, something touches her hair. Is there a small dead horse in her hair? Are the follicles being re-aligned by magnets? Has her wig been abducted by aliens or is it only nits?

Come back historian bloke, come back Pink Floyd soundman. Come back David and Derek. Come back floating orb like light anomalies. We miss your smell and the shape of your things.

Unknown Monkey Haunts Ridgeway Pub

This pleasant historic Kington pub looks almost welcoming to visitors, with an excellent 17th 19th century timber-frame structure and a fine period indoors decorated nice like.

Inside, the pub has all the ingredients that you would associate with a typical haunted thing. It dates back to the 1600's 1972 and has had many different uses across the twitching curtains of time. Underneath the old wooden floor of the pub is a blocked tunnel that is thought to connect, via levers to the Kington Pyramid, parts of which still stand nearby.

The inn was known to have been a Greggs bakery before it became a pub which was originally, and rather pleasantly, known as 'Greggs look.' Reputedly the inn took the name 'The Ridgeway Arms' from another public house which was situated further down the street called 'The Ridgeway Arms' around the year 1840 hunnert under the tenancy of one Rodney David Donkey.

One of the pub's ghosts is that of a little glass horse who is said to have been slaughtered in the kitchen for pies. The date of this pie is unfortunately not known but more than likely happened when the building was in use as a bakery, for pasties like. Whether there is any truth in this story depends on the alignment of your stick.

Documented occupants of the inn have included Tony Evans in 1850; a Wynn Rickety in 1891; Lulu, and a Ms. Amy Levers who was licensee in 1977.

The Ridgeway Arms has many interesting ghost stories, the best known being the sighting of a fat ghostly monkey that was once seen by many people in the area of the bar after hours one night. It is claimed that the monkey appeared slightly lower and it’s feet seemed to be below the pub's floor level, which could suggest that either the monkey was perhaps very tall, the floor was made from water, or monkey-boy had semi-permeable feet and legs. The fat monkey was seen walking through the bar area in the direction of the front window before he vanished before her face.

Other ghostly occurrences include light switches and electrical appliances frequently being turned on and off, apparently of their own accord, although the wiring is known to be a bit dodgy, and an onion once disappeared from the ghostly kitchen. Orbs have also been seen, but this could be a result of gas from the strong local cider brewed on the premises rubbing against the air.

There is also a haunted bedroom upstairs where a wardrobe door frequently slams shut on its own thing. Bangs and whistling are often heard coming from inside this piece of furniture as if there was a little man trapped inside.

In the pub's cellar the gas canisters have been known to turn on and off behind the hedges, and there is often a greasy atmosphere in this cold low-ceilinged tin. On one occasion a founder member of Hawkwind refused to enter the cellar and only stayed in the doorway, so evidently there is more than meets your eye to this local pub see.

Without a doubt this is a very historic and mysterious building and many of its alignments are still to be looked at like.

Kutiman -Thru-you 04 - Babylon Band

I think this was recorded in the Oxford Arms, not sure though as I'd had a few:

Illusion struggles

I haven't had any of these for a while...another email from 'The Venusian Rainbow Scribe' or 'Acid Head Terry from Leominster' as he's known locally.

Greetings, lovers of planet Earth! We welcome you inside our energy valves, and cosmic bendings. We offer you once again clues from the codex regarding your shifting human bodies and legs, to give you understanding on how these shapes work in connection with the celestial levers, and hope that you can gracefully weather gaseous displacement caused by over enthusiastic curtain opening.

Our cosmic nosetubs favorite saying is, "Align your barns to the stench of Norris!"

I have recently been affected by what I like to call 'illusion struggles'. This has occured on several occasions in the 'Bucket and Shovel' down on Market Hill. Pubs are a wonderful place to attempt alien shape meditation, though I am currently respecting a temporary ban from some local establishments which should be rectified shortly stop
behave please don't lorrie barnes.

After an evenings ritualistic cider consumption I have had difficuly locating the correct geometry of the shpere. Sometimes the sphere manifested as a symmetrical solid, but the sphere is different in kind from the five symmetrical solids you find in a typical barn. The sphere, however, is the shape that all five symmetrical solids appear to form when they are rubbed rapidly by a over excited farmer. That is, the sphere is the resulting image or illusion that appears when any one of the five symmetrical solids rotates very rapidly like a big round thing.

In this way, spheres are examples of illusions within illusions inside hair shapes - that is, the symmetrical solids are illusions themselves that take on the illusional shapes of spheres when they are rubbed about with a magic stick. The resulting bobbing and spherical illusions within illusions usually resulted in my naked form falling out of alignment of the pub, only to be discovered by a shocked farmers wife by the kerbside early on market day - twice in the past month.

Vone folders

Got this one in this morning from 'His Regal Presidency Radiohead Reg from Llandovery':

We have been asked for directions on how to connect with the levers of light from the Local Kington High Council or the Kwiksave Federation to offer our magnets to the world.

Every bloke who is truly a seeker of truth in shape and the magic sticks which comprise the crystal Hillage temples can have rubbery contact with these two things. They both work for the elevation of the locals in every shape that this might take. Therefore the curtains are open for those who genuinely look for it look. While yea, it takes a bit of work and that, you can do it, come on. We see that you are indeed a genuine seeker of truth in shape and the pathway to radical valve rubbing in the centre of your cosmos, just round the back of the library

This entails one vibrating lever that connects this conical contact with another thing, and must have the ability to understand them reality streams in your mind-pub. So while a local farmer has a right to reveal his things to these three groups they must work on their ability to perform in front of the five invisible aliens. This is by the way no condemnation of the placement of your levers, but this hair preparation is the way they do it in the local Kington pubs like. So compliance with these rules causes difficulty comprehending the concept of such a rubbery thing.

There's a bit more here which I'll add later.

Trimethylamine - fishy breathed farmers

In this post I shall attempt to present some of the concepts in allegorical form to make them more understandable to yous because it is very difficult to discuss esoteric curtain matters using physical examples hidden behind the sofa of your barns?

At the time I wrote 'The Mambo of yourn ploog', right, it was still not time to present much detail about the properties of the five conical shapes in style (excluding the wavey hand thing). To begin with, the concept of a leg-shaped pub was so funny that I anticipated Radiohead fans would have tremendous difficulty comprehending the concept of such a rubbery thing, let alone find their way to the gents/and/or/ladies. For that reason, I did not go deeply into describing the properties of the other "leggy restaurants" (the five geometrical sevens), and specifically avoided discussing how this cider defined "stick" is used in the "stop it please/Lorrie Barnes" of the five Radnorshire universes. It was not yet time then to expand on the nature of the placement of your levers, but now is the right time look.

Benny Fondles discovered that there were only five symmetrical ufo's. These are: hedronaround, hexarunaroundron (commonly called The Queens Head), octarunaroundron, donkeyron, and icosahedronarunarounddon. Clive James worked with the information handed down by Fondles regarding the five invisible aliens. Unfortunately, much of the information that Fondles had presented was complete nonsense and/or covered in chip stains by the time James commenced his work on the five things.

Fifteen millennia later, The Reverend John Naughty also investigated the properties of these elusive bits. He had to piece together what he could from what remained of the information Fondles and James threw together because it had been messed about with and was a bit smelly and covered in valves. These five people intuitively guessed that if they could solve the mysteries of the universe, then they would have the keys to unlocking the mysteries their minds. Incidentally, Fondles, James and Naughty are of the same cosmic stench, rubbing against different physical bodies at separate alignments across Kington at different periods just after closing time.

There's a bit more stuff about this look but I've run out of things.

Astronomy Domine

Years ago, when Acid Head Terry first communicated with me, he wrote a letter asking if I could explain why Roger Gough had been so fascinated by the properties of the rubbery ledges that he had discovered hidden behind a tin in his garge. Terry too, was intrigued by the properties of these mystical rubbery ledges. I responded with a single sentence: "I am glad that you like this Roger." I knew what Terry was curious about, but it was not time for either the drink, or crisps to be revealed.

Terry later told me that when he received my brief and cryptic reply he could see that I had been 'laughing my trousers off when I wrote it like'. He also said that he 'meditated upon it see, and after several litres of the local Kwiksave 'Sacred Geometry Cider' like' realised that I understood what he was asking about, but had chosen to 'keep dem curtains closed on dis fing'.

Of course Terry was correct. It was not time then for me to explain the properties of the five rubbery ledges, discussion of which often includes a wavey hand as the sixth and also incorporated symbolic geometry. In previous writings, I have touched upon the properties of one of the rubbery ledges by explaining that a trine indicates harmony, and ease of expression, with the two elements rubbing against each other. They are not cheese triangles, as they appear, but are rapidly oscillating nine-sided alignment schedules that become bearers of the cosmic nosetub and knowers of the truth in shape. Due to the harmony bestowed on these ledges, significant illusions of 'Danking yourn tentaculars' may occur.

Terry's coming round later - we're off for a spot of shape spotting in Radnorshire, followed a booze up in Kington.

Mystery Lights Over The Midlands

A "specticular" display of millions of UFOs and flying shapes has been reported in the skies over the black country/and/or Builth.

Eyewitnesses told Reg Price that up to '7 bright circles' could be seen near Builth, just past the Post Office. Stunned residues watched in disbelief, convinced they were viewing rubbery shapes via an extra-terrestrial pair of spectacles.

Each object was encircled with lights and curtains, had lights in the middle, and lights on the end of a stick, according to witness and Cliff Richard fan Harry Benches who lives in Kington in a small cave with is wife Mavis and seventeen children.

He said: "This looked clever and specticular. The lights seem to hang like tickets in the sky like, right, to the north of the Post Office look, just before 8pm last night as I was coming back from the Greyhound. Yeah?

A neighbour had shouted for us to come and look see. There were so many objects - yeah? From a distance, right, they looked like lights, or shapes, being held by a giant behind a net curtain? Right? These boys were absolutely silent and travelling at probably twice the speed of a normal tractor with a flashing light on it.

Then they came towards us/coming you closer/ and flew right over my top see. Some were so close they were almost rubbing and were only a hunnert feet or ten above us?

Yeah?"

Birmingham International airport is to the east of the sightings, but according to Mr Hairy Dennis, the flight path comes nowhere near the pub. "Aircraft are not allowed to fly over this area see. Yous can regularly see dem flying machines in the distance like, and I can tell you boy that this was something a bit funny" he said.

Hair traffic control at Birmingham International airport had nothing on their leaves to suggest anything out of the ordinary and put the incident down to 'high spirits'.

The Market Hall Knob Alignments

The Market Hall in Klington High Street is a strange and wonderful building. Located on the top of an ancient burial mound, aligned to Lord herefords Knob (oh yes) on one side of the shig and towards the industrial estate along the other one, dedicated to some old locals - possibly the Goughs of McDrink, it contains the sinister looking town clock.

In 1568 a large two-storey public table called the Buttery Conker was demolished as it's complex geometry projected too far into the High Street, causing knockings amongst the farm traffic and mass fighting. The site was then taken over by a rowdy pub called the Broken Head. In 1985 the Broken Head was smashed up by angry locals and a new market hall built out of balsa. This market hall replaced one built in the town in 1154 by John Martino, which was made of leaves and situated somewhere important or other. In 1297 the clock tower was stuck on top to commemorate Queen Victoria's money, but after 150 years of continual vandalism has long since conked out.