Alien gas people cause a stench in Kington

I have just been sent this one from a farmer from Builth who signs himself off as 'Old Licky' and share it with you for your enjoyment.

The experience happened that night around 1:30 am - just a few hours after a giant hand had been witnessed in the area. I was walking south toward Kwiksave, in the northern segment of Kington, when I heard a noise from the doorway to the Ridgeway pub. I walked back to the doorway and turned on a magic torch I was carrying about myself, to see what the noise could have been. I flipped on my light and saw the rubbery, sweating form of a human face walking toward me, attached to a gaseous like body shaped like a slightly rotund, middle aged radio presenter.

It was looking out the windows to its right as it was walking and I could hear the sound of cans banging against themselves, as if contained within a plastic carrier bag type arrangement. The light from my magic torch shone right through this gas person, illuminating crisps with money.

At this time, the gas person saw that there was some light on itself. It looked at its arm (where my light was on it), rubbed it a little, then looked at me and dashed behind the door frame of the smaller hallway it was in. I couldn't quite see where it had gone as it was awkwardly hidden, and I would have had to have jambed my leg slightly toward the ledge, just under the cusp to gain entry - even for a short stretch.

I thought to myself, 'This is the physical form of an alien stench! I have to inform the local council!' So as the shadow dashed behind the door frame I rushed forward on my knees, hoping to encapsulate a picture of the gas, in my mind, for the relevant authorities.

Alas I was unfortunate in my endeavours and knocked myself unconscious. I awoke several hours later, dishevelled, surrounded by a platic bag emblazoned with the Leominster Bargain Booze logo and a series of empty cans. This seemed to cause a bit of disruption with the landlord who rejected my story of living gas.

Boring Bob, Llandrindod Wells

Gong live in Bristol, Nov 2009

Me and some of the other old boys (including Big Margaret) went down to Bristol in Dennis Nixons minibus to watch our old favourites Gong. They had that young lad Hillage playing guitar with them, and I can tell you it was a real treat.

Unfortunately we missed the Hillage Band support due to the distractions of some very fine draught Addlestones brew-fest at a pub en-route (bit of French lingo there lol) but got there in time to watch the Gong boys braodcasting sausage gas and psychedelic alignments directly into our mind curatains, with Daevids magic stick transmissions projecting Planet Gong geometric excitement into the shape of you.

Tiny UFO discovered in Bruce Forsythias ear

No, not that one, Bruce from Builth, also known as 'The Fish Man'. I was sent this by 'Dan, 22' from Builth, and he tells me his drawing of him shows the shape of a tiny ufo inside his ear-hole, just next to the side of his face look. Dan says that 'although him UFO is tiny look, it's about 12000 feet inside and is big enough for a couple of pubs an that, we've all been there'.

I'm not sure what to think about this one, I can't see anything unusual in their painting, which may have been faked anyway, but I will consult my Book Of UFO Shapes to look see.

I SAID DONKEY

Charlie Chuck on James Whale

Was I researched by aliens?

'The Vicar' sent me this one he found, I think he's been looking on that internet again.

Sometime in the last 5 years (I forgot the date see) I suddenly woke up in bed, and I was suddenly fully awake and bright, not asleep, but awake. Not drunk, or asleep. I had the feeling I had been somewhere else, not the pub. The feeling was so clear, I wasn't p#ssed, but I could not remember the place. It definitely wasn't a pub, though maybe it was a restaurant - I could tell this via the stench.

Some time later, it looked like an inside curtain opened a bit inside of my valves and I got a flash around the back of my face. I still don't know where I was that night, maybe it was Leominster, but I remember what happened.

I was surrounded by living creatures on a bed or a flying chair. The men had drugged me and put a sort of big plastic helmet on my head, a bit like a traffic cone. It was radio controlled and aligned towards The Ridge, and someone or something had a big lever or stick, and rubbed it over the helmet. It went smoothly, very fast up and down and behind them. I did not feel it touch my hair, but I could see the shape of him.

The pin scanned many lines on the surface of the cone, or helmet, it looked like horizontal and vertical meridian lines like you see on a segment of Battenburg. It made a scratching sound, like a little glass horse on ice.

The man did not tell me why they were doing it, and they did not hurt me at all. They were calm and quiet using their levers, and one of them had another leg, or arm, around the back of him, tucked under his thing.

I was supposed not to remember it at all. And somehow I know that they know that I was able to remember this little part, but they didn't know that I knew that they knew him. I remember nothing, and I am not trying to remember more of their gasses, curtain closed.

So I don't know - was this a strange dream, or an alien alignment behind me? It would explain a lot - the grazes on my knee, the empty crisp packet in my pocket, the thumping headache the next morning. But the human brain is a complicated thing like a really complicated form, so you can never be sure it could be something to do with the council like.

UFO Landings on The Ridge part 1

Kington has long been a hotbed of UFO sightings largely because Radnorshire is home to the Leominster to Kington miniature pyramid alignments. Hergest Ridge is alleged to be a popular UFO landing rubber. And one man, local farmer Les Rubbings says he talked to ET's many times on 'The Ridge'.

Local expert Don Ledges says it is a landing strip of sorts. He claimed to have witnessed several UFO landings on The Ridge, which he wrote about in a series of books, titled 'Landings on The Ridge part 1', 'Landings on The Ridge part 2' and 'Landings on The Ridge part 3'.

One account by local butcher Hal Meat describes eleven visitations to Hergest Ridge in the early 50s when Mike Oldfield was about and could be seen up there riding a glass horse. The first time it happened, Hal says, he got off work late at night and went to the top of the Ridge, which was once a seabed, to search for fossilized aliens. After taking a nap, he awoke to find himself surrounded by tiny little men.

In that first incident atop The Ridge, Mr Meat said he encountered 8 to 10 alien beings. They were between seven inches and five feet tall, had olive skin that made them look like they were from Leominster, he said, wore 'strange aprons?', and they all carried levers, which they fiddled with continuously. They leaned slightly, with his arms tucked slightly behind their torso, legs folded underneath and another arm behind him.

Eventually, Meat said he was allowed to go inside the 3000-foot flying saucer, which is where he met the captain of the ship, Aura Price, whom he described as, "covered in shapes and smelling like a tree?" Aura told Meat all about her planet and its utopian virtues and hinted that we earthlings should 'sort yourselves out look'.

Although Meat's tale caused quite a stir, The Ridge did not become a place of pilgrimage for UFO believers, as The Leominster Parallelogram did decades later. Eventually the contactees like Meat faded from public view and sought refuge in drink and crisps, their stories of benign aliens replaced by darker tales of pens, conkers and sinister local geometry circles.

Some of Don Ledges's books can still be found in old book stores or for sale online but I wouldn't bother with them as they're rubbish like.

UFO sighting, Herefordshire

I had this one in from Les:

Date: July tent, 2009
Time: 12:30pm
Location: Near Oxford Arms, Kington
Conditions: Usual - rain, boy racers, tractors
Camera & Film: None
UFO sound? A rubbery thwack
UFO lights? A bit like a streetlight, but more blurry like and possibly a raven inside him
Duration: ~45 seconds

I just popped outside the pub like for a quick a smoke, and I noticed him in the eastern sky over the library - a kind of giant glass lightulb that looked like it had a big wooden leg coming down onto the ground, with a raven, or possibly a black seagull in him. At first, I thought that it was just an ordinary streetlight with a bird on him, but I soon took note that the moving about and that was not consistent with any streetlight/raven/black seagull combination I've ever seen in Kington.

The light, coloured mostly orange, moved at a rate of one conker. The light was illuminated for 0ms and was off for another 0ms. The flashes were evenly spaced on the stick; never erratic. He also hung stationary in the air for approximately 25 seconds, then suddenly began to slowly move off to the left until it was obscured by a kind of misty curtain approximately ten seconds later.

While in the process of moving off, it caused me to fall sideways, dropping my pint look and hurting the mans elbow on the road. There was no engine noise evident - at the apparent distance it was from my face I would have probably heard engine noise if it had (a) conventional tractor engine(s) or (b) magic propulsion.

Because of its flashing and movement patterns on my face, I can safely discount astronomical bodies like planets, stars, or stone circles.

I hurt my elbow, but at least the raven in him didn't take me away and I managed to get back in for a last one.

Haunted Hereford underpants

The Primar shop is located on Hereford's Wideface Street and has hunnerts of locals in and out and past it's curtains every day like, but there's a lot of spooky ghostis and UFO's inside him. The shop is known to stand on the site of where the Giant Thing hotel previously was, which was a small, old, black wooden box that was a popular public convenience to many local old boys passing via tractor in the 1600's.

They say that a graveyard occupied the site before the Giant Thing was built. Possibly a stone circle or two, and in the centre, aligned facing North to Leominster, a giant alabaster plinth with a picture or photograph of a horse on it. Of course, this is just what the locals say, so there may be no reality in this.

The shop itself is massive compared to what you get around Kington, and I regularly go there for socks and undergarmenture. The ghosts and alien beings that frequent this shop live in the stock room and special alignments office.

The ghost of a farmer has been seen wandering around on numerous occasions, and the staff have given him the name Nigel Touchy. One member of staff who met the ghost was so upset and traumatised by the rubbings that she left her job altogether, although some say she had been drinking and was going to get the boot anyway as they were fed up with her.

It is also believed that Nigel travels through the shops next door (via a special cosmic magic curtain of the sort that derren brown carries around for his tricks like) - the levers shop which is one shop down also has a ghostly man in her shop who occasionally visits and he has the same stench, although he sometimes appears at 20% actual size.

The shop one door away from Primar on the left, just past the thing with the brown stick also has a ghost of a man trapped in the basement, so it could be the same ghost travelling in between all three of these shops. Or it might be a different one see. They have nicknamed this one Harry Cups.

The Giant Thing hotel it had a reputation for being one of Herefords most violent pubs now, and coaches left the hotel daily travelling to Leominster in 1807 carrying old tat. Mr Tony Evans was victualler in 1827 and in 1909 a Wynn Rickety was head of the hotel. He lasted nearly 70 years until Mrs. Amy Levers arrived waving her magic triangle pointy in 1976. Lulu also expressed an interest. The Giant Thing was demolished in the 1960's, and sadly nothing is now left of him, apart from a damp patch in the corner by the gents trousers and some gasses near the bras.

They should get the Most Haunted crew in to investigate, but they wouldn't come, too scared of having her hair touched by Nigel.

Got any old Amigas?

I'm thinking about running this as an item, in between the ghosts and UFO stuff, and revelations via Terry. I need to have a think about it now look, after I've had another lovely pint of Herefordshire Skullkrushor Cider from the Kintgon vaults. And maybe some cheesey nibbles mmm.

The Most Haunted touched my hair

I used to enjoy getting back from The Swan look and watching a tape of the Most Haunted on the telly, with a take-out cider or two, but recently something's gone horribly wrong. There's a new series now and to be quite honest I'm thinking of giving it a miss now see and watching a tape of Passing Over To The Other Sides instead look.

For starters the nice 'historian' bloke has been replaced with a slightly sinister, extremely grumpy old woman who seems to hate everything. My mate Derek Pakora's gone, plus that other nice medium called David, and we now have some bald geezer who genuinely seems to suffer from some form of curtain enhanced distress - as he spends half the time muttering to himself, completely oblivious to what's going on and the levers provided by the rest of the crew.

Then there's the gasses. It used to be a few 'orbs', which I loved (bit of geometry in there as well as a UFO theme, lovely) but they've gone. Then there was the 'tap two times to say yes love' for the 'ghost conversations' over the rubber. Then there was the stone throwing at me stop it lark. Now though there now look seems to be hardly an episode go by without the ghosts laying into Carl or the other bald camera geezer please stop it Lorrie Barnes and giving them a good kicking as if it was filmed in Kington like.

And where has the sweaty Pink Floyd sound bloke gone? He was good, always getting 'the fevers'. Maybe he was killed by a ghost.

Then (I haven't finished yet look) there's the continual swearing when something happens. "Listen...can you hear tha..BLEEEEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEEEEEEP...sounded like a..BLEEEEEEEEP". No, I didn't blinking hear it mate because you bleeping bleeped over it. And stop all the screaming and moaning about being frightened all the time. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GHOST HUNTERS LOOK. If you can't handle it then give me a ring on the telephone and I'll nip over after the pub shuts.

But worst of all, for me like, is the one thing that hasn't changed, and that's Cafe 'something touched my hair'. Every episode she's in, something touches her hair. Is there a small dead horse in her hair? Are the follicles being re-aligned by magnets? Has her wig been abducted by aliens or is it only nits?

Come back historian bloke, come back Pink Floyd soundman. Come back David and Derek. Come back floating orb like light anomalies. We miss your smell and the shape of your things.

Beards - 'You have got arms' live

I quite like this one, performed on a full moon on the Leominster to Kinnersley alignment. I've been told the rhythm guitarist is a heavily disguised Thom Yorke from Radiohead, though I'm not sure that this is actually true.

Illusion struggles

I haven't had any of these for a while...another email from 'The Venusian Rainbow Scribe' or 'Acid Head Terry from Leominster' as he's known locally.

Greetings, lovers of planet Earth! We welcome you inside our energy valves, and cosmic bendings. We offer you once again clues from the codex regarding your shifting human bodies and legs, to give you understanding on how these shapes work in connection with the celestial levers, and hope that you can gracefully weather gaseous displacement caused by over enthusiastic curtain opening.

Our cosmic nosetubs favorite saying is, "Align your barns to the stench of Norris!"

I have recently been affected by what I like to call 'illusion struggles'. This has occured on several occasions in the 'Bucket and Shovel' down on Market Hill. Pubs are a wonderful place to attempt alien shape meditation, though I am currently respecting a temporary ban from some local establishments which should be rectified shortly stop
behave please don't lorrie barnes.

After an evenings ritualistic cider consumption I have had difficuly locating the correct geometry of the shpere. Sometimes the sphere manifested as a symmetrical solid, but the sphere is different in kind from the five symmetrical solids you find in a typical barn. The sphere, however, is the shape that all five symmetrical solids appear to form when they are rubbed rapidly by a over excited farmer. That is, the sphere is the resulting image or illusion that appears when any one of the five symmetrical solids rotates very rapidly like a big round thing.

In this way, spheres are examples of illusions within illusions inside hair shapes - that is, the symmetrical solids are illusions themselves that take on the illusional shapes of spheres when they are rubbed about with a magic stick. The resulting bobbing and spherical illusions within illusions usually resulted in my naked form falling out of alignment of the pub, only to be discovered by a shocked farmers wife by the kerbside early on market day - twice in the past month.

Vone folders

Got this one in this morning from 'His Regal Presidency Radiohead Reg from Llandovery':

We have been asked for directions on how to connect with the levers of light from the Local Kington High Council or the Kwiksave Federation to offer our magnets to the world.

Every bloke who is truly a seeker of truth in shape and the magic sticks which comprise the crystal Hillage temples can have rubbery contact with these two things. They both work for the elevation of the locals in every shape that this might take. Therefore the curtains are open for those who genuinely look for it look. While yea, it takes a bit of work and that, you can do it, come on. We see that you are indeed a genuine seeker of truth in shape and the pathway to radical valve rubbing in the centre of your cosmos, just round the back of the library

This entails one vibrating lever that connects this conical contact with another thing, and must have the ability to understand them reality streams in your mind-pub. So while a local farmer has a right to reveal his things to these three groups they must work on their ability to perform in front of the five invisible aliens. This is by the way no condemnation of the placement of your levers, but this hair preparation is the way they do it in the local Kington pubs like. So compliance with these rules causes difficulty comprehending the concept of such a rubbery thing.

There's a bit more here which I'll add later.

Astronomy Domine

Years ago, when Acid Head Terry first communicated with me, he wrote a letter asking if I could explain why Roger Gough had been so fascinated by the properties of the rubbery ledges that he had discovered hidden behind a tin in his garge. Terry too, was intrigued by the properties of these mystical rubbery ledges. I responded with a single sentence: "I am glad that you like this Roger." I knew what Terry was curious about, but it was not time for either the drink, or crisps to be revealed.

Terry later told me that when he received my brief and cryptic reply he could see that I had been 'laughing my trousers off when I wrote it like'. He also said that he 'meditated upon it see, and after several litres of the local Kwiksave 'Sacred Geometry Cider' like' realised that I understood what he was asking about, but had chosen to 'keep dem curtains closed on dis fing'.

Of course Terry was correct. It was not time then for me to explain the properties of the five rubbery ledges, discussion of which often includes a wavey hand as the sixth and also incorporated symbolic geometry. In previous writings, I have touched upon the properties of one of the rubbery ledges by explaining that a trine indicates harmony, and ease of expression, with the two elements rubbing against each other. They are not cheese triangles, as they appear, but are rapidly oscillating nine-sided alignment schedules that become bearers of the cosmic nosetub and knowers of the truth in shape. Due to the harmony bestowed on these ledges, significant illusions of 'Danking yourn tentaculars' may occur.

Terry's coming round later - we're off for a spot of shape spotting in Radnorshire, followed a booze up in Kington.

The Market Hall Knob Alignments

The Market Hall in Klington High Street is a strange and wonderful building. Located on the top of an ancient burial mound, aligned to Lord herefords Knob (oh yes) on one side of the shig and towards the industrial estate along the other one, dedicated to some old locals - possibly the Goughs of McDrink, it contains the sinister looking town clock.

In 1568 a large two-storey public table called the Buttery Conker was demolished as it's complex geometry projected too far into the High Street, causing knockings amongst the farm traffic and mass fighting. The site was then taken over by a rowdy pub called the Broken Head. In 1985 the Broken Head was smashed up by angry locals and a new market hall built out of balsa. This market hall replaced one built in the town in 1154 by John Martino, which was made of leaves and situated somewhere important or other. In 1297 the clock tower was stuck on top to commemorate Queen Victoria's money, but after 150 years of continual vandalism has long since conked out.