Alien or Ghost? you decide!

Here's one from....h-h.....Hairy Harry. Apparently this was filmed near his barn in Kington. The bloke in front of him is old Bill Wiggins from the chip oil. That's what he says anyways, I've just looked at the thing though and it doesn't say that so I'm getting a bit excited with h..h...h..hh..Harry. Look, please could anyone sending me things make sure you've written the right thing. Don't make it up look, or stick your shopping list reminder poem on him instead. I'll write something about golden plinths tomorrow.

Most Haunted touched my arse

I nearly spilled my cider last night. I was back at the B&B watching a tape of an old Most Haunted (with Derek Pakora, not the new bald geezer with the eyes and muttering), and 'touched my hair' girl screamed that something had "touched my bum". She then demonstrated this (unnecessarily in my opinion) on alignments 'expert' Kieran O'Tiddles rear shapes.

And this was in the 'good old days' when it was all light anomalies and magic sticks. You don't get them now look, it's all high pitched whistly things at every place they go to (are they being followed by the ghost of Percy Edwards?) or a good old punch up between Karl and some ghostly ghastly Phil Mitchell type/Kington on a Friday night is it.

Michael Jackson ghost thing

Is this The King of Pop back from the other side of the curtain for a quick moonwalk, or Nigel Touchy on holiday in that America?

The Most Haunted touched my hair

I used to enjoy getting back from The Swan look and watching a tape of the Most Haunted on the telly, with a take-out cider or two, but recently something's gone horribly wrong. There's a new series now and to be quite honest I'm thinking of giving it a miss now see and watching a tape of Passing Over To The Other Sides instead look.

For starters the nice 'historian' bloke has been replaced with a slightly sinister, extremely grumpy old woman who seems to hate everything. My mate Derek Pakora's gone, plus that other nice medium called David, and we now have some bald geezer who genuinely seems to suffer from some form of curtain enhanced distress - as he spends half the time muttering to himself, completely oblivious to what's going on and the levers provided by the rest of the crew.

Then there's the gasses. It used to be a few 'orbs', which I loved (bit of geometry in there as well as a UFO theme, lovely) but they've gone. Then there was the 'tap two times to say yes love' for the 'ghost conversations' over the rubber. Then there was the stone throwing at me stop it lark. Now though there now look seems to be hardly an episode go by without the ghosts laying into Carl or the other bald camera geezer please stop it Lorrie Barnes and giving them a good kicking as if it was filmed in Kington like.

And where has the sweaty Pink Floyd sound bloke gone? He was good, always getting 'the fevers'. Maybe he was killed by a ghost.

Then (I haven't finished yet look) there's the continual swearing when something happens. "Listen...can you hear tha..BLEEEEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEEEEEEP...sounded like a..BLEEEEEEEEP". No, I didn't blinking hear it mate because you bleeping bleeped over it. And stop all the screaming and moaning about being frightened all the time. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GHOST HUNTERS LOOK. If you can't handle it then give me a ring on the telephone and I'll nip over after the pub shuts.

But worst of all, for me like, is the one thing that hasn't changed, and that's Cafe 'something touched my hair'. Every episode she's in, something touches her hair. Is there a small dead horse in her hair? Are the follicles being re-aligned by magnets? Has her wig been abducted by aliens or is it only nits?

Come back historian bloke, come back Pink Floyd soundman. Come back David and Derek. Come back floating orb like light anomalies. We miss your smell and the shape of your things.