Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Taken to the depot

joel grounds

I was sent this by 'Heavy Margaret' from Llanbister:

I was walking beside this river in Llandrindod look one afternoon. Near the 'Rock Park' is it.

Danny Baker was waving to me on the other side of the river. I was walking along it looking for a way to cross without getting my face and things wet. I came to the end of the river and at the end was a tunnel which went straight into my mind?

Then my feet became attached to the ground via giant rubber bands. At this point I was more aroused than scared. Then my whole body collapsed into the ground in a kind of telescopic fashion, with each segment folding into the previous one. It was as if some kind of giant stench was trying to pull me underneath the ground and transforming me into a telescope, or tripod.

Then somehow I was lifted by leaves, partially folded, and floated through the tunnel via my mind curtains. The next thing I remember I am in this circular room of shapes, empty apart from some drink, crisps, a small glass horse on a table and a telley. Then something sucked my trousers off in about half a second leaving me in my long johns and jingle cartridges.

Then this bright light was shinning right in front of me, like a giant rubbery glitter cone, but on a wavey stick. Since I was lying on the floor I couldn't see where it was coming from - it was slightly behind me, behind my left shoulder. I tried to see but it was partially obscured by the crisps, and moving in the other direction meant that my leg became trapped around the back next to the little glass horse. My other leg was partly folded up into the tripod so I couldn't move that properly unless I could work out how to extend it.

Then four newsreaders or sports reporters suddenly appeared and stood laughing around me and put their thoughts of Leominster, curtains, ledges, and a mountain made from human teeth into my face. Someone that looked like Paul Gascoigne told me to go to the depot. He taught me how to extend my legs and body out of the telescopic position, and I then walked straight into the tiny depot which had hardly any room to move in it. I couldn't even turn around, and suddenly something was pushing into my back a little bit (I later discovered that this was 'Pauls' magic stick).

Anyway it all stopped then - they told me to get dressed and suddenly I was back on the bank of the river look and some bugger had been and drunk all my cans I'm not over excited.

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