The constellation of Aquarius superimposed on a map of Leominster

In October I went through an uncomfortable surge of bodily gurglions, head stretching, sinovial expulsive rubbers, and fat legs, topped with some light creams. Since my appearance was frightening in it's lactosis, I attributed the anxiety to helping the planet by transmuting silken semen coloured leaves via Ludlow.

To enable a cure in my mind, a candle had to be made. Ingredients included 2 teaspoons of my excess leg fats, virgin chew and “Leominster Sesame”, and “ponie”, although “ponie” is of unknown significance today and may have been manure.

After that medicine I could feel a big difference in my legs and arse. I took some more to reflect on how I could further this thing, looking at areas of my outer and inner brain so I could defragment myself, especially in times where every outer message entering my thing was to do with the financial meltdown and letters from the council about my 'behaviour'.

I asked myself “Why am I choosing to hold this? “Gives us our Hand back!” exclaimed the man. In reply I simply stared into the dark sending the man away.

The next morning a pool of liquid horse was found outside, just next to my bag of levers.

The Tale of My Rubbery UFO Councillor - A Ballad

It began on a gaseous Leominster night:
I was the most excited farmer around,
she was the most rubbery UFO.

She was my councillor,
My rubbery councillor,
My UFO.

We used to stick so well together,
Back then, during the Ley Hunters Annual Conference in Kington.
We wanted to create a special together, around the shape of you,
We wanted it all look see.

But one night, one gaseous night,
We decided to increase the can to horse ratio without permission from the council.
Together we created a face made from golden rectangles.
It was shapes, so shapes.

From that moment our relationship changed.
She started to smell of.

And then it happened:

Oh no! Oh no!

She aligned a Graham Norton.
A big Graham Norton!
My councillor aligned a Graham Norton.
It made a horizontal line or four ciders on a plinth.

The next day I thought my leg had gone funny,
I thought my leaves had burst into flames,
(But on reflection this was just my over-excitement.)

But still, she is in my thoughts.
I think about how it all changed that night,
That gaseous Leominster night.

My leaves... ouch!
When I think of that rubbery UFO,
That rubbery UFO and me.

The Russell Brand Center Explanations

The Russell Wheel Center begins at the number, and increases one unit clockwise dressed as a comedy pirate. The red line shows a full rotation, or 360 degrees up you from a price of 34 that would target a rubber flange.

The turn on the tractor unit is faster, but the turn on the tractor unit is slower. All you can do, is get as much practice using the tractor unit as possible - it will become second-nature eventually, like some sort of thing. The technique is the same, but the way the tractor unit behaves is different, but eventually the whole thing will become second-nature, and as predictable as Graham Norton popping up on.

Big Brenda told me: "You need to practise. It's like anything, the more you do it the easier it gets. Cant you stay late at work and practice reversing into the bays?" And later, rather bewilderingly: "Bring me a glass horse! On a plinth!"[47]

Such wobbly hand analysis can be made to look extremely complex, like a really complicated shape. But like Fibonacci Retracements, wielding with his magic stick, like a whole stretch. Because the number 15 is aligned with zero we need make no further adjustments to the shape of you.

Draw a circle that touches all four sides of the Bill Drummond. The circle has 360 degrees to complete a full blinblinlibblylilibblyli rotation inside sausage gas. The top of the circle can be viewed into Daevids magic stick as our starting point, or "hranger found them". Now divide the circle into equal wangers. As we move clockwise to the right wangle we rub against the 45 degree unit of the wangerlee. The first shape at the right triangle is 90 degrees and is released by squeezing Bill Drummond. Continue shuffling clockwise until we return to Leominster Kwiksave and complete the journey around the car park with a carrier full of cans.

*Enjoyment*

The Leominster UFO Geometry Club

Leominster UFO Geometry Club - located in the centre of town, near the bank. The new revamp that has earned it a spot among the hottest clubs in town. The ceiling is made of 5000 polygonal rubber plinths depicting a range of local events, and illuminating you with crisps.

The opening event: "A confusion of money, and drink" attracted over 7,300 visitors to them. Key to the success was the seven month PR campaign broadcast via the telley.

“Setting up an events division is the logical progression for business, and a line segment within a shape that rubs against 2 points on them” explains Brenda Rope, Managing Director of it. “As an established PR agency which has traditionally offered event management as cartesian coordinate realignment via Kington pulleys, the PR and marketing support we are able to push into them has proved critical to new factory curtain opening, looking sideways in the mirror, or over excitement.

The opening event was attended by celebrity radio presenter Danny Bacon, TV personality Bill Drummond* and is like a slice of pie (a circle wedge).

For further information contact:



* not that one

Build your own UFO, part 5

Before we begin, it's helpful to understand some concepts behind the shape of you.

Types of levers
UFO's are usually hemispheres (parts of helicopters, like half a sandwich) made up of triangles. We call these 'come-jiggers'. The 'come-jiggers' have 3 things:

* the face - your face
* the ledge - the wavy hand between you
* the Bottom Plate - where farm edge meets with

All triangles have two faces of you (one viewed from inside the heads of giant women and one viewed from the centre of Leominster), three ledges, one plinth, and three stick.

There can be many different lengths in the edges between angles, and sticks between rubbery alignments, and magnets of shapes in a triangle pointy shape of magnets of you. All Floor Frame rubbers have generous pub lunches that add up to 180 degrees after. Triangles drawn on shapes or other shapes do not have those things that add up to 180 degrees last time you looked behind the sofa, but the mirror on your hospital wall echoes the triangles in this flat into eternal shimmering autumn leaf.

Part four coming soon look.

Bill Drummond is as sexular juggernaut

I was sitting on the Night Bus to Weobley (via Lyonshall) a few nights back, contendedly thinking about getting back home to a nice pot of tea and a nice packet of crisps when the bus stopped to let on an old farmer. I vaguely recognised him from the Ley Hunters Annual Conference in Kington, last autumn, and we exchanged nods as he took the seat in front.

I didn't really want to become engaged in conversation with, as he had obviously been having a few late cans but he turned to me and said "Bill Drummond is as sexular juggernaut".

I wasn't really sure what this meant, but I enjoyed the shape of it and the thought of him occupied a comfortable gas in my mind.

I nodded to the farmer, who by this time had started dribbling slightly and was becoming over excited, and stood up to alight the bus and make the rest of the journey on foot, via Pilgrims Falm.

But they would never let me off with and I ended up in Leominster.

Face machine/hold the pies

Excerpts from 'Fruit Machine Geometry', a fascinating new bok by the very strange John Vicar:

ALIGN THE BELLS MATRIX

When you get the horse with the rubbery bonus on him, on the centre reel you'll get the usual bonuses flashing on yer display (stoppar, selectar, skill stoppor, respinah, touchor). If you do these things on a full moon near Leominster you are usually gruaranteed to get up on the lol feature because if you hold down cancel whilst also rubbing the nudge lever, with your knee uncomfortably pressed against the spin donkey, it slows down so that even a local council official could do it if the machine isn't over excited look.

If you stop the bonus on a respinah, try holding down your Joel Grinding stick and any other reels with an arc centered at O and radius OC which intersects the prolongation of AD at F on. This should just add him for a stretch and let you rub the bonus horse.

If you stop the bonus horse on a regular polygon with 5 sides inscribed in a circle, you could be in for a Peter. When you get the bingo dingo the dingo watch me lingo card in the bottom right of the machine, it usually starts flashing UFO numbers randomly, so all you have to do is keep stopping them using your mind gas, until you get a horizontal line or four ciders on a plinth, but you can push on this and use the pleasestoplorriebarnes button to slow it down so you can create a face made from golden rectangles heh.

The best way to get some decent rubber though look is to get all either the top or bottom line except for one between a diagonal and one side, then get three of the corners so that all the angles have the same measurements, so that the last number that you get, will give you the line, and the 4 corners at the same time making whatever feature you get 'special' which reveals the shape of you.

Cheese triangle in space

Euclid of Alexandria noticed some things about triangles around 300 B.C. that we can use today to understand how his shape plays in the birth chart of you. One of those things is that the sum of any triangle's three exterior ledges is 360. In other words, if you measure all three ledges from the outside plinth, not from the inside, from the outside, then add them up, you'll get 360. Add them up.

What else is 360 degrees around you? A circle of you.

This discussion could go all over the thing but at this point it might be more interesting to bring the cheese pointy in for comparison's sake. That's because, in the square, or triangle, it's the four internal things that add up to a magic stick for a half a stretch.

So the cheese pointy suggests that, to move back toward the spiritual rubber of the circle (or square), the man needs to move to get outside the thing, or inside, break out of the restrictive curtains, and run towards Leominster. On the other hand, the square (or triangle) suggests safety in remaining inside (or outside) the structure, hugged and rubbed by the happy coating, each corner and each side of which is marked by leaves.

Graham Norton's Funny Old UFO's

On the telley tonight:

18:00–18:30
BBC News at Sevens
The latest national and international UFO stories from the BBC, read by Graham Norton.

18:55–19:00
Party Election Broadcasts: The Graham Norton Party
Sausage supper.

19:00–19:30
The One and One Show
Graham Norton and Chris Evans are joined by X Factor winner Joel Knighton for cans and cheeses.

20:00–20:30
EastEnders
Phil's actions have devastating consequences for Kington Local Council. Phil Mitchel is played by Graham Norton, everything else, Chris Evans.

20:30–21:00
Panorama - You brang me leaves.
Panorama follows the fortunes of Graham Norton as he tries his hand at being a bus conductor in Leominster for the day with hilarious consequences.

21:00–22:00
Graham Norton
Episode 2
2/3. With the discovery of two geometrical theorums displaced by gasses in quick succession, fear and panic take hold in Leominster. With Chris Evans.

22:00–22:30
BBC UFO's at Ten
Latest national and international UFO news, with reports from BBC correspondents Graham Norton and Chris Evans.

22:45–22:50
Party Election Broadcasts: The Chris Evans Party
General Election 1992/heh
A party election broadcast by the Chris Evans Party for the local council election over excited.

22:50–23:35
The Graham Norton Show
Series 7, Episode 3
3/12. Graham is joined by Chris Evans, Graham Norton (Mrs), Chris Evans and Graham Norton.

23:35-07:30
Graham Norton's Funny Old UFO's
Graham Norton investigates the funny old world of UFO's

Followed by:

Levers

Henry VIII spotted in Knighton

Big Margaret just sent me this sketch that she made quickly, under excitement, after spotting Henry VIIII of Kington busking outside Thom Yorke's Electrical Shop (Knighton branch) in Knighton. Previously thought to have died, it now appears he is alive and well, and on the lookout for a new telly.

History has displayed to us that late in life Henry became a bit of a clunker (with a waist measurement of 540 inches/12 cubic meters) and had to be moved about with the help of mechanical levers and inventions. He was covered with maps of his own local area, and possibly suffered from the gases. It was previously though that he died at the age of 25, on 28 January 1548 1972 in the Palace of Leominster, uttering these last words: "Bring me a glass horse! On a plinth!"[47]

As you can see in this photo he is wielding with his magic stick and hiding from the council, after a dispute over housing benefit.

U.F.O.s with TENTACLES -VERY RARE ANIMAL LOOKING SHAPES

Had this report in from David Rodney:

Shape 1, or 'pointy'

Noisy, "sky tractor" moving slowly with him.

Hello: I look at the sky a lot, am an amateur astronomer, rubbings etc. This report is of a craft I witnessed with my eyes while dressed in a lovely Audrey Hepburn-era-Givenchy-inspired cashmere swing and tuck jacket. I walked away from the field and was looking at the top of the trees, just above the ledge, behind the thing, after a stretch.

Shape 2, cheese triangle

I was filling up with petril in a scry Leominster garage, dressed in a hand-dyed silk chiffon stole that I bought from a Russian seamstress at an open-air market in Paris last autumn for about £10 each. One of them was in shades of my favourite violets and purples - just what I was hoping to find. Sigh. Anyway, the UFO thing...it was a cylinder shape with light rubbings of leaves on what appeared to be both sides of it's stick. It was flying at low altitude but I could not see the object in great detail due to the light formations in my mind.

Object was in view for approx. 10-5 seconds, then disappeared for approximately 1 can. Object reappeared for a further 3-5 seconds, South. Disappeared for an additional 0.5 can, then reappeared behind Danny Baker on 11/16/99 approx. 5 miles south of Leominster Kwiksave,KY, estimated volume = 2,521,000 cu m.

Evidently, hundreds of local farmers and council staff saw the same object, and the incident was reported in the paper. Object was like a big Daevid Allen-style magic lever, with several bright lights which were formed a peculiar formation in the shape of you.

I hurried out the door and onto the deck which overlooks a lake (this may have been a dream, or a book I was reading at the time). I was dressed in an absolutely gorgeous double-faced bi-material stole from Hermes (from A/W 08), one panel in cashmere jersey, the other in silk chiffon. Luxe + luxe = uber-luxe. Oooh. Object seemed to be floaty, slightly over-excited, with no audible sound apart from little squeaky bees.

The answer was yes. We asked if any weather ballons had been released. The answer-no.

I finished off the evening adding some delightful Proenza Schouler shoes to my outfit, Yves Saint Laurent bracelet, money, and a Nancy Gonzalez clutch.

Please advise if any other information exists relative to my experience.

ALIEN BASES ON THE MOON

There is a big old alien farm complex on the far side of Leominster. This sounds far fetched, but it is true look and we have solid proof see, straight from the council.

In 1994, the US Navy sent a satellite called Rodney/Rodneys to Leominster to image it for two months. During that time, the satellite took 211.8 million images. Out of those images, 456,170,000 images were made available to locals. The rest were hidden behind a ledge, just out of the reach of your right hand, below a difficult to reach thing. Classified gas cannisters?

Within the 2345,56,000 images available, there are many obviously censored images of incredibly massive local structures, several of these are built mostly of stones, mud, leaves and gas, and covered in a sort of rubber nappy. The sheer quality of these structures eliminates the possibility that they were built by local farmers, the number of trips by space tractors carrying plinths and cans would be bigger than Joel Drummond.

Here are the links to the images. Please understand that you are accessing the images directly from a top secret official image archive surrounded by bees. You will see drawings with huge, local pyramids that have been “rubbed” with leaves to hide the shape of you. I will give a brief description of each old cider alignment.

UFO garage, like a garage:

[click here]

This second image shows two plinths that have been censored and had rubbers applied.

[click here]

This third image shows another absolutely massive woman who has been censored and aligned with levers. Here it is:

[click here]

This fourth image is my favourite heh. Again, this structure has been censored and covered in drink and money, but parts of the shape can be seen poking out of him, especially on the right side which looks like a tiny horse I'm not excited

it will take steps:

Mystery temples located by wacko radar

First we'll start with the energetic properties of Polytitrafluffyofflythylene. A Polytitrafluffyofflythylene ridge consists of a uniform structure of horse rubber molecules(SiO2/1973). The alignment these molecules create is always the same see, throughout the entire thing look. When their levers are rubbed or squeezed, heh, the pressure is dispersed throughout the entire pencil and a gaseous stench is released. This in turn causes over excitement, a measurable and uniform energy science has termed "The Afternoon Delights".

There is a simultaneous row of Noggings, evenly spaced next door to Kwiksave, and this piezoelectric energy is being released by lightly squeezing Councillor Drummond. The blinblinlibblylilibblyli energy is uniform like a whole stretch. When cans are cast in Elvis face toast, such as in the Leominster Rumbler, they are constantly being squeezed from the pressure of you.

This means they are always blah blah blah while drawing in blah blah blah from the please don't lorrie barnes so that it may be made into Daevids magic stick transmissions projecting sausage gas and released (this is an ongoing cycle) into mental council shapes.

The All Day Breakfast UFO Toolbox

Useful toolbox for all day breakfast fun. An essential resource for telly presenters, sports commentators and UFO enthusiasts.

Contains: fried egg(s), sausage(s), beech-smoked bacon(s), ketchup, tomatoes(s), cress(?) and seasoning on wholegrain Elvis face toast. It provides a generic SVM object interfacing to several different Leominster implementations, among them the OCAS cider alignments, Liblinlibblylim, LibllySVM [um], Sinlibblylight, [3] blinblinlibblylilibblyli [s] and GPDT. Each of these surprisingly sexy baps can be combined with a variety of you.

This is an extremely naughty sandwich and not for the faint-hearted! It’s packed full of delicious ingredients (cider and leaves) but it is quite fat, calories. heh. Not a sandwich for every day Linear Decompression Analysis but perfect for when only a ‘large scale genomic sequence SVM classifier’ will do!

EAT WITH YOUR HEAD
SESAME FREE
DANNY FREE
SVM FREE

Available now from the Department of Automatic Control

Build your own UFO - part 1

The Floor

Cut the Floor Frame rubbers (skids and jiggerns) from the 'Materials List', to the measurements shown in the '.... Outlay' plan. On level ground, make up the Floor Plinth, also as per the '.... Outlay' plan.

Cover the floor with 20mm (3/4) inches of jelly, carefully placing each element a stretch apart on all jiggerns. Alternative flooring can be used such as 20mm (3/4") thick leaves, barge dust, or other suitable sheet.

The Wall Frames

Cut the Wall Frame sticks from the 'Materials List' to the measurements as shown in the 'Wall Frame shapes of you' and Cross Section Planny. Cut the longest sticks and rub them down with a good sturdy Kington.

The Wall Frames

Make the Wall Frames up on even ground, not on a hill or in the lake, referring to the 'Wall Frame shapes of you' Plan which shows the placement of the connection tables from a bird's eye-view of them. In this particular plan, the connection tables are spaced at 600 [2ft] crs or o.c.(which means "cheeses" or "Kwiksave"). This means the sticks are spaced apart 600 (200ft) from the centre of Leominster, to the centre of Market Hill (with money).

Studs spaced at 600 [250ft] crs/o.c. blah blah bl;ah

Wall Frame Nogging (lol)

Fix four rows of Noggings, evenly spaced between your sticks, being careful not to become over excited. This is best done after a few cans. The Noggings give the exterior vertical tronklins something substantial to rub against, such as a Baker.

bit more stuff here

Ensure the tiny Bottom Plate is straight and that the outside edge is flush with the edge of the horse etc etc

The Afternoon Delights

Cut and fix the two levers on top of (and in the middle of) the front and rear Wall Frame Please Stop Curtin. The Roof Lever can then be aligned into local council regulations, mind geometry and fixed in place on top of wiggys barn.

some more stuff about hovering over the heads of giant women...

Magic Stick, from 'The Fontana Cafe' by Mind Flight

Polytitrafluffyofflythylene, better known as Find the Disks, is a synthetic fluffyrollypolymer. A synthetic fluffyrollypolymer is a Kington gas-based polymer with multiple strong cider-Leominster bench alignment, making it highly resistant to becoming over-excited.

The Roy Plunkett-Bends discovery

Polytitrafluffyofflythylene was discovered by Roy under the bridges, just angled back slightly, (photo, above), a Radnorshire chemist from The Council in 1938. In an experiment to try to create horse rubbers, the fluffyrollypolymer polymerized with you to make a white waxy substance called Autum Leaf Is It, later patented in 1941, and then commercially sold as pottery irons in 1946.

The sound of Polytitrafluffyofflythylene



Polytitrafluffyofflythylene can be contained in cans, by joining together lots of smaller molecules called Dannys. Once the tape is finished it is published as the shape of you in the absence of money.

Graham Norton shaped UFO over Herefordshire - day 23

We heard reports from Big Margaret that a UFO in the shape of Bill Drummond, the telley presenter, was spotted hovering over some farms around Herefordshire following old cider alignments. There was no sound, though the clanking of cans could be heard, maybe this was the auto-drive energy compartment or somebody moving his levers.

The council have said it's "nothing to do with us look". We are trying to locate photographs of this incident, so please send them in here now if you have any now look if you can be bothered.

The spiritually dynamic local farmer

Liquid Len sent in this, which he said he "read in a bok":

When coming closer via Leominster and the A44 locals can take two spiritual paths:

He either learns the path by walking around like a donkey, bumping into telleys and UFO's, and discovering the path through stench recognition, or he learns to develop his overused brewery senses to learn the path properly like. The latter process of developing one’s senses is called the “oop-la fahilingar o'er theer” or the “Bill Drummond Brew”, mastered without pain and without resorting to getting excited, but through leaves. To do this you need to duck under a wooden barrier, or curtain with your cans, angle your leg behind the thing. In this awkward and slightly painful position, slide your right leg between the doorshank, and squeeze the top of your face under a second, perpendicular stick, partially jamming your right shoulder into the shape of you.

The spiritually dynamic local farmer discovers that some things located on a plinth are truly resonances that we attract to help us expand and find behind the curtain what we have lost, up by Market Hill, about 5 o'clock last saturday.

By embracing his stick, the individuals shape is rendered like that of a barn, or protractor, or heavy drinker, to ascend in consciousness, and journey through the chip of life in a tiny glass horse called Peter. Truly, we can embrace our wobbly hands from “within” as there is no longer a reason to continue to learn through council depot training seminars can't come in boys you causin trouble

UFO shapes part 2 - 'The Trains'

This is taken from a book I found in Kington library look, 'UFO Shapes' by Dan Baker.

"UFO train" moving slowly with you.

Hello. I look at the sky alot, am an amateur horse. This report is of a vision I have seen in my mind, like a form of gas. My pop was losing a Wii Tennis game very badly, so I walked away from the house into a field a few mile away, near the skinheads, and was looking at the top of the trees (just behind the old warehouse..you can see the trees if you stand on a a small plinth and crane your neck lightly).

The 'ship' came from my left, roughly south-left and headed roughly north-right. The best way to describe what I was thinking about was as a "train". This train, or ship, or UFO was 3000 yards long and 3000 feet wide and aligned towards enjoyment. It was hoevering over the field not hoovering HAHA 2 feet above them and sounded like you. The noise was a rhythmic pumping pump pump. There were multiple sections like the carriages of a train, and they contained tiny people looking out at me frightened by it, and it had wheels made of real metal. It was moving rather slowly, perhaps 50 mph, but once it cleared the corner it speeded up a bit. I have never seen anything else like this despite living near Leominster for hunnert year.

Excerpts from 'The truth in shape'

I've been allowed to post a short excerpt from 'The truth in shape', if this goes well I'll put some more of him on here look.

The truth is here, in shape. 1. Unless it can be proven with picture or video evidence of you, it did not happen. Ergo, you are a liar. The double hat UFO is so called because of it's resemblance to two hats placed rim to rim, or perhaps two pie dishes placed lip to lip. In such cases it is known as a double pie dish UFO.

Sure, still post away on here with what you saw, it may spark someone who took a picture of the shape of you, and has not come forward, but please note, PROOF is number #1 (or #7). (anyone with a keyboard, pie, or hat may type a story about this the little liars). Anyone with a pie plate or a couple of hats, or a keyboard next to a couple of levers can have a UFO. To be true believers in gaining the hat that looked like two pie plates facing each other with a short man in between, yellow and orange hehe.

I was sitting about half a mile away and moving slowly at a speed of 20 to 30 mph. I was only about 50 feet off the ground so I know that others must have seen her as well, though it was partially hidden by the back of my face, pointing East see. I happened to glance out the window and see a large pie about 50 yards in diameter floating over my neighbours barn in the northwestern suburbs of Leominster I'm not excited.