Overheard - alien abduction, Herefordshire

I overheard a conversation in the Swan last night - a local guy known only as 'The Gimp' was telling one of the old falmers, about his alien abduction experiences. I had my notebook with me and the stub of a pencil, so I made a few notes - in between sups of industrial strength cider. Here's a transcript of their conversation:

"I have had the dreams relating to this sort of thing since I was an egg. I have lived all my life in Kington, Herefordhsire. You know me, Len, I'm a local boy. A few of my more shocking dreams are from when I was living in a flat above the High Street like. One night I heard a noise downstairs - something like a 'fnur-fnur-fnur' in the voice of Madonna. She's a singer, Len. Anyway, as I went to the top of the stairs I saw several/possibly one grey being run past the open doorway. He/possibly she/it/them looked up at my face and came upstairs to me - coming you closer. I was scared and literally wet my trousers. Some of this went onto the grey thing and the areas where they touched turned a silvery green sort of colour. It then fled and I went back to my bed chamber.

I had another one - months later in August another year. My old missus was asleep beside me snoring after a long days work in Kwiksave. All of a sudden I felt the urge to jump up from the bed and go outside, naked. I felt compelled to walk to the Oxford Arms pub in the High Street. I didn't feel the cold on my body, but it was raining and I was wet and steaming. I felt I had to go there and buy crisps, I do not know why as I had eaten earlier that day.

As I reached the pub hundreds of bright lights appeared suddenly and there were lots of tall men with blond hair and bright blue eyes. They grabbed me, and shouted angrily at me. They were not actually speaking but they were talking in my head and asked what I knew of the 'Kington Sevens'. I knew nothing and one of them touched my leg with a stick and I passed out look. Next thing I knew I was back in bed with the wife, who asked me where the crisps had come from.

I had no clothes on and the temperature was approx -2 degrees Fahrenheit.

And another time...hey, what are you writing about mister?"

I put down my pencil, closed my book, and headed back to the bar for a fresh pint of Ruckus Juice.