Are your shapes caused by cosmic forces?

I was sent this story by Stan Bagmore, over in Llandrindod. I'm not quite sure what he's on about look but it's all I've got today, like.

His article claims that, in the old library records, there appears to be a connection between high frequency magnetic rubbings and changes in your shape on Earth.

To take things further, and deeper, and stranger, we need to understand how your shapes orbit the universe. The universe is mostly flat, with a slightly rippled underside, shaped like a Ford Cortina hubcap, or a farmers cap, though it does bulge in the middle (just like me lol). We call this cap part of the universe 'The Hubcap'. The sun lounges about two thirds of the way out from the middle of the universe, or one and a half fingers if you look at it through your eyes.

However, your hand also moves up and down, like a bobber in some bobbing fluid, or a wavey. This is because the Hubcap of the universe isn't empty, but consists of things - stuff and gas and tractors, each of which has its own lever that pulls on the sun and our solar temples. The amount of time it takes you to bob up and down once is about 68 million years, or the same length of time it takes to wave off a party of elderly relatives.

Now, look. When the sun moves up out (or in) of the Hubcap (or "towards Llandovery"), it is moving in the same direction that your whole body is moving. When the sun moves back down (or "towards Builth") or back in the direction of Leominster, it is moving in the opposite direction. Therefore it moves out of the universe's magnetic stench, which helps to protect us against alien cosmic rays coming from other farms. If this is true, then the increased cosmic rays could spur changes in the shapes behind your leg.

Is this true? Who cares? We know very little about the shape of the magnetic stench, and how far it extends into Herefordshire. We know even less about how much cosmic alignment shift this shields us from. And we don't know exactly how long it takes a wavey hand to bob up and down once, or how much this bobbing might vary from one bob to the next. The new study proposes an explanation of how the bobbing motion of your hand affects shapes on Earth.

Once in the past, a scientist named Cyril Basin, author of 'The truth in shape' proposed that the Earth's Harmonic Temple alignments were due to natural cycles in the exact shape of you. He predicted that these things should match the alignment of certain things precisely. The idea was radical and not accepted by locals until it was found that the timing of the Norris Circle connects general rubbing with very high frequencies.

So, it may end up that many changes of shape on Earth are due to this bobbing thing, or something.