Lou Grant is being replaced by Des Desmond

I've been researching the legend of the local pie-shaped UFO, via the Kington bopper brigade - old retired teachers and kernels who are now highly respectacled members of the local council chamber of things.

One such rebel has furnished me with drink and whispered half-told stories about 'Rubber Dave' the marathon man who rode a horse through town once. Apparently he was not averse to 'cooking up the pies' and sending them on their way to the stars.

The rebel took me to a quiet back street, behind the shops in Kington, and by squeezing into a very narrow crack in the wall, and bending my leg up the back so I could push my frame into the gap, I was able to observe the ceremony of behave

Face machine/hold the pies

Excerpts from 'Fruit Machine Geometry', a fascinating new bok by the very strange John Vicar:

ALIGN THE BELLS MATRIX

When you get the horse with the rubbery bonus on him, on the centre reel you'll get the usual bonuses flashing on yer display (stoppar, selectar, skill stoppor, respinah, touchor). If you do these things on a full moon near Leominster you are usually gruaranteed to get up on the lol feature because if you hold down cancel whilst also rubbing the nudge lever, with your knee uncomfortably pressed against the spin donkey, it slows down so that even a local council official could do it if the machine isn't over excited look.

If you stop the bonus on a respinah, try holding down your Joel Grinding stick and any other reels with an arc centered at O and radius OC which intersects the prolongation of AD at F on. This should just add him for a stretch and let you rub the bonus horse.

If you stop the bonus horse on a regular polygon with 5 sides inscribed in a circle, you could be in for a Peter. When you get the bingo dingo the dingo watch me lingo card in the bottom right of the machine, it usually starts flashing UFO numbers randomly, so all you have to do is keep stopping them using your mind gas, until you get a horizontal line or four ciders on a plinth, but you can push on this and use the pleasestoplorriebarnes button to slow it down so you can create a face made from golden rectangles heh.

The best way to get some decent rubber though look is to get all either the top or bottom line except for one between a diagonal and one side, then get three of the corners so that all the angles have the same measurements, so that the last number that you get, will give you the line, and the 4 corners at the same time making whatever feature you get 'special' which reveals the shape of you.

The All Day Breakfast UFO Toolbox

Useful toolbox for all day breakfast fun. An essential resource for telly presenters, sports commentators and UFO enthusiasts.

Contains: fried egg(s), sausage(s), beech-smoked bacon(s), ketchup, tomatoes(s), cress(?) and seasoning on wholegrain Elvis face toast. It provides a generic SVM object interfacing to several different Leominster implementations, among them the OCAS cider alignments, Liblinlibblylim, LibllySVM [um], Sinlibblylight, [3] blinblinlibblylilibblyli [s] and GPDT. Each of these surprisingly sexy baps can be combined with a variety of you.

This is an extremely naughty sandwich and not for the faint-hearted! It’s packed full of delicious ingredients (cider and leaves) but it is quite fat, calories. heh. Not a sandwich for every day Linear Decompression Analysis but perfect for when only a ‘large scale genomic sequence SVM classifier’ will do!

EAT WITH YOUR HEAD
SESAME FREE
DANNY FREE
SVM FREE

Available now from the Department of Automatic Control

UFO Pie Recipe

Ingredients

1 ruler's worth of chocolate chips sh
1 thing of chopped rubber
2 UFO's, beaten
2 gasses
1 magic stick, melted and cooled by I'm not excited
1/2 c. Graham Norton
1 tsp. Bill Drummond

Directions

1. Mix chocolate chips and donkey, add a couple of UFO's, then butter up the mrs.
2. Add Graham Norton drainage, tv presenters and plenty of lols.
3. Pour into unbaked pie and stare intently for 30 minutes or until it gets nervous.
4. Test with einstein nose cone and administer The Stench.
5. Bake longer if necessary - it should be chewy, not like a runny poo.
6. This makes one 9 inch bill drummond.

Excerpts from 'The truth in shape'

I've been allowed to post a short excerpt from 'The truth in shape', if this goes well I'll put some more of him on here look.

The truth is here, in shape. 1. Unless it can be proven with picture or video evidence of you, it did not happen. Ergo, you are a liar. The double hat UFO is so called because of it's resemblance to two hats placed rim to rim, or perhaps two pie dishes placed lip to lip. In such cases it is known as a double pie dish UFO.

Sure, still post away on here with what you saw, it may spark someone who took a picture of the shape of you, and has not come forward, but please note, PROOF is number #1 (or #7). (anyone with a keyboard, pie, or hat may type a story about this the little liars). Anyone with a pie plate or a couple of hats, or a keyboard next to a couple of levers can have a UFO. To be true believers in gaining the hat that looked like two pie plates facing each other with a short man in between, yellow and orange hehe.

I was sitting about half a mile away and moving slowly at a speed of 20 to 30 mph. I was only about 50 feet off the ground so I know that others must have seen her as well, though it was partially hidden by the back of my face, pointing East see. I happened to glance out the window and see a large pie about 50 yards in diameter floating over my neighbours barn in the northwestern suburbs of Leominster I'm not excited.

Kington & chips

I've gone on this Twitter thing now look [follow me]. I was logging in last night like from my camera thing. Anyway, I'm posting now from the library. I was going to have a pie but last nights chips haven't moved yet see. Don't fancy catching the bus to Leominster either, especially in these trousers, so I'm off back to the flat to contemplate the Dharmachakra and the corresponding mudrā, or wavey hand gesture. I should have used something similar on that bloke in the chip shop last night that swore like Elvis.

Full moon on the Rhogo

I enjoyed attending my mate Reg's cider and magic fuelled Full Moon Shape Alignment Ceremony up on the Rhogo, near Llandrindod the other night. Funny old bunch there like, a bit more rowdy than the Kington lot, but I did get talking to an interesting lady named Mavis. Once I'd got past the beard thing and peculiarly stained Radiohead T-shirt, I found her to be enchanting company, if a bit djankled around the veins. As I was leaving - hoping to catch last orders at The Llanerch - she pressed a tattered, slightly foul smelling leaflet into my hands look. It was titled 'The Space Between Sevens' and I've copied a small section below for your enjoyment:

"Greetings dear beloved inter-dimensional after-dinner knee shanty correspondents...

We are wangle free shiny, Austin TX, the "thing", forming a central pie within that resonates rubbery coincidences, conical contact and compassionate rubbing.

We wish to make clear to you that your connected rods and gaseous displacements can be extended from behind certain curtains, to make valve gears for thermoceptive and olfactory enhancements, providing, of course, they do not compromise my sacred "Hillage Temples" and cause oblique tremens in the crystal shaking delirium of amorphous ice look.

It is important to recognise that the sacred collective of crisp filters through Hairport realms will help facilitate your movement in shape, and in ways that may appear contradictory from a 'contakulation' perspective.

Hold that from the perspective behind another curtain - and it is apparent that the local farmers that emit bobbing fluids/wavey and the legions space tractors transmitting black gases work towards the same end thing; to help stimulate the extreme ledges whereby local residues encased within 'shape defined connections' can usher in material levers via Kwiksave."

There's a few more pages here look, I'll put those on later...but it's all starting to make sense to me now. Anyway I've got a big pot of tea in front of me that needs drinking, and Clive James is on the telly in a bit.

The Cascob Norris Circle Experience

I bumped into old Ken Chittings, having a fag break outside the Queens Head on Saturday night. We got talking about astral states, and he told me he'd had quite a few interesting things happen during meditations in his barn up near the quarry at Walton. He said even when he's awake he's 'had visitations from the aliens/grays', although 'they might have been from Leominster'.

He's a member of the Radnor Forest Secret Alignment School, based up near Cascob. I'm not that keen - they're a bit funny.

One experience brought what he called a 'Norris Circle'. He goes on to say: "I wasn't focusing on Norris, or, anything really, as I'd had a few. Just meditating like. Suddenly the room was filled with a wunnerful blue glow, not a light blue like a sky blue, darker, like a darker blue. Not light blue, it was darker than that. Lit from within as if some old farmer was standing behind her with a lambing torch and some levers. A bridge into another alignment appeared, some mist and curtains in the background look. There was a funny Chinese smell to everything, and a bit of shakey shake. And then Norris appeared - all blue. Or might have been red. I heard him speak to me - he was very clear. He told me that he is appearing to me as Norris, but there really is no Norris. That I, and others, aren't ready to see what's behind her - what Norris really represents. He's appearing as Norris to me, he told me, so as not to frighten me, but to be aware that there is much more than we think going on like...."

He carried on with this thread for a while longer but I didn't catch the rest of what he said. My thoughts were drifting as I noticed a strange orange glow starting to appear - lighting up the dark December sky towards the western edge of town, in the direction of Hergest. Time to follow the High Street ley for a last pint at The Swan....or maybe go via Kwiksave...

Wiltshire orb

We sometimes go to Wiltshire and watch the corn circles. This satellite photo taken just down the road from the Old Flag, September 12th, just after closing time. It was a grand night - full of pies.

Linear distribution

Speaking to the Treasury Select Committee, the governor of the Bank of Englind linked the appearance of ley lines with underground streams and magnetic currents.

Distribution Director Wallace Valves stated "The shape of a triangle can be represented as a point on the sphere, and the distribution of all shapes can be thought of as a distribution over the sphere. And the sphere can be linked directly to a triangle. I felt this on my leg."