Monzo Joy: The Coast Call

Mystery temples located by wacko radar

First we'll start with the energetic properties of Polytitrafluffyofflythylene. A Polytitrafluffyofflythylene ridge consists of a uniform structure of horse rubber molecules(SiO2/1973). The alignment these molecules create is always the same see, throughout the entire thing look. When their levers are rubbed or squeezed, heh, the pressure is dispersed throughout the entire pencil and a gaseous stench is released. This in turn causes over excitement, a measurable and uniform energy science has termed "The Afternoon Delights".

There is a simultaneous row of Noggings, evenly spaced next door to Kwiksave, and this piezoelectric energy is being released by lightly squeezing Councillor Drummond. The blinblinlibblylilibblyli energy is uniform like a whole stretch. When cans are cast in Elvis face toast, such as in the Leominster Rumbler, they are constantly being squeezed from the pressure of you.

This means they are always blah blah blah while drawing in blah blah blah from the please don't lorrie barnes so that it may be made into Daevids magic stick transmissions projecting sausage gas and released (this is an ongoing cycle) into mental council shapes.

The All Day Breakfast UFO Toolbox

Useful toolbox for all day breakfast fun. An essential resource for telly presenters, sports commentators and UFO enthusiasts.

Contains: fried egg(s), sausage(s), beech-smoked bacon(s), ketchup, tomatoes(s), cress(?) and seasoning on wholegrain Elvis face toast. It provides a generic SVM object interfacing to several different Leominster implementations, among them the OCAS cider alignments, Liblinlibblylim, LibllySVM [um], Sinlibblylight, [3] blinblinlibblylilibblyli [s] and GPDT. Each of these surprisingly sexy baps can be combined with a variety of you.

This is an extremely naughty sandwich and not for the faint-hearted! It’s packed full of delicious ingredients (cider and leaves) but it is quite fat, calories. heh. Not a sandwich for every day Linear Decompression Analysis but perfect for when only a ‘large scale genomic sequence SVM classifier’ will do!

EAT WITH YOUR HEAD
SESAME FREE
DANNY FREE
SVM FREE

Available now from the Department of Automatic Control

Blakey - a painted portrait

I done some painting the other day, so thought I'd share him with yous. It's a picture of Blakey, who ran after buses and considered advanced mathmatical equations in the seventies.

Much of his theory of lever gases and bus alignment had its origins in the work of Boltzmann in statistical mechanics problems where time and space distribution averages are equal. Steintithaus gives a practical application to 'Dannys Brew Frenzy Theorem' to keeping one foot on the side of the thing, and the other slightly awkwardly crooked around the back with the other arm pressed against the ledge whilst simultaneously balancing your cans on her.

The mathematical origins of conductivity and bus alignment are due to von don Gary Neumann, Baker, and Presley in the 1930s. It has since grown to be a huge thing on a plinth and has applications not only to statistical mechanics, but also to curtain theory, mind geometry, Drummond's analysis of it, and the shape of you. There are also many internal problems (e.g., tractor theorems being applied to giant women) which are interesting if you can be bothered.

The Hidden Stone Meditation

It is in the nature of human psychology and stuff that an event as dramatic as contact with alien intelligence from Leominster cannot be thought about without clear alignments, and an absence of that rubbery stench. Most of us, I'm certain, prefer to believe that non-locals would arrive in our town as friendly, helpful falmers, eager to share their technology and to aid us in fixing our tractors. Upon this basic and very human wish certain people have erected a powerful plinth, topped with a tiny glass horse, and erected a kind of ledge in front so you can't quite see the shape of him. Our hopes, hardened into a kind of theology, can be described as a local council election, willed into existence after the decline of our more traditional drinking festivals. After all, we have been told more than once that Elvis is dead. The question is...which one?

A Channelled Message from Evel Knievel

Big Margaret keeps sending them in:

"It's just like that time I jumped Snake River Canyon, near Leominster. I knew that rocket didn't have a chance in hell of getting over that canyon. But I strapped myself into that rocket, and I did the best I could. Did the fact that I failed to get across the canyon make me a pussy? No Way!"

The Opening of the Triple Nine Gateway on 09 09 09

The Opening of the Triple Nine Gateway on 09 09 09 (...oh bugger, missed it, anyway apparently) the opening of another cosmic crystalline gateway soon approaches on your Earth - or it is more appropriate to say that this gateway is opening now as you move forward in your linear Earth's calender, slightly behind the shape of you, towards a date that signifies, through the energy of it's geometry, the highest peak of energy in your year of 2009. The date we speak of is the 9th September.....etc.

Well it looks pretty anyway.

Elvis crop circle, near Evancoyd WI

Mad Kev just sent me in this one. Him and a few local boys were out paragliding, apparently, and one of them took a photo of this crop formation in a field near Evancoyd WI. Kev's brother Jezza (who wasn't with the paragliders, but is a bit of a rock and roller) reckons it's the spitting image of the king of pop, Elvis Presley. Personally I can't see it at all. If anything it's probably the king of levers Morrisey but yous can make your own minds up about it look.

Stonehenge alien tin photo

Right, finally got that photo mentioned in the last story from Les. I've got a suspicion that he may have edited it slightly though. Dunno, look what you think see:

Michael Jackson 'evaporates'

From the first reports of Michael Jackson's death, the perhaps inevitable conspiracy theories began taking his shape across the interwebs. Farming blogs, Twitter, local forums and agricultural networking sites have been buzzing with increasingly absurd theories. Or maybe they're not so absurd...

Even as Jackson was being taken to hospital in Los Angeles, L.A. California local blogger Wynn Trumpet wrote: "Jacko pulled a similar stunt when he was getting ready for a BBQ special in '65 when he 'evaporated' in rehearsals in nearby Lyonshall village hall. He was dragging his heels on that one just like his upcoming 50 date residency starting at the Farmers Arm in presteigne".

He went on: "Either he's hiding behind a curtain or making himself invisible using his magic stick, but we're curious to see if he turns up look".

The post was later taken down by angry local resident Betty Dartboard of Cascob.

Many theories claim the star faked his death to escape his increasingly deranged Radnorshire fan club, 'The Michael Jackson Conkers'.

"I think he's had enough of the old boys around here sending him turnips wrapped up in rubber sheets, so he fakes his death see, assumes a new identity and disappears in a puff of gas" read one post on the Radnorshire Farmers Network Society Forum.

It has been suggested that Michael can now be found farming, near Leominster.

Mexican UFO flying humanoids

This is quite strange...what look like 20% scale little glass Elvis men flying around like UFO's. Makes me feel a bit funny watching them like, glad I didn't have that extra pint of Asbestos Head last night...

Family see Elvis face in Marmite

It may not be immediately obvious to all of yous, but one local family are convinced they can see the face of Elvis inside the lid of a jar of Marmite.

Hilda Harper, 23, said she was the first to notice the image as she was spreading the yeasty treat on her mams face.

Her husband Gareth, 37, said that first he called her 'a mad old bag', then 'a tractor driver', but when he finally caught the shape of him he spontaneously broke into a rendition of 'Blue Suede Shoes', losing all control over his levers and facial alignments.

Mr Harper said: "Her mam's still eating his face, but we kept the lid look."

"When I first looked at it I thought she was a bloody nutter, but when I moved it away from me, then forwards again, then backwards and aligned it with the kitchen ledges his face started coming out. I thought yeah, she's right - that's the King of Rock and Roll look".

Hilda added: "People might think I'm from Leominster, but I like to think it's Elvis looking at me, and watching my things".

Quietern, orbs, and Glastonbury levers

Sorry for the thin-ness of the posting recently, but I've been away for a couple of weeks to Glastonbury - that melting pot of alignments and lemon veined edges, measuring shapes with my magic stick and talking and stuff.

My daytimes were occupied wandering the streets and going 'up the Tor' to discuss plans with my sacred friends for a potential 'Festival of Geometry' this year in Leominster. A list of possible performers has already been drawn up: 'Crop Circle Geometry', 'The Rulers', 'Dave Bench and the Protractors', 'Dtiklers Magic Stick', 'Grooves Accessed Via Levers', and of course 'Bill Drummonds Stone Circle'. We also plan to have a range of speakers and geometry demonstrations, including The Venusian Rainbow Scribe, and the Reverend Fatty Runnels from nearby Knighton who wants to talk about heavy metal gasses.

Talking of which, I am hoping to venture out with Mr Runnels for a night-time vigil by the Radnor four stones, if I can drag him away from his extensive 'art' collection. During my stay in Glastonbury I became quietly obsessed with the television programme 'Most Haunted' which was on most evenings in the B&B, and plan to use similarly equipped video systems to record any unusual light/orb anomalies around the stones. Mr Runnels has a better camera than me so his involvement is essential, and he also owes me a pint, so if by any chance we follow the leys to the nearby hostelry of Walton, he can make good his liquid debts.

Any video evidence captured will of course be featured on this blog.

Elvis was abducted by aliens - the proof

The now famous Drummond equation was developed by astronomer and local Kwiksave manager Reg Drummond who conducted the first modern search for extraterrestrial life in 1975. His equation seeks to establish the number of local farmers with access to levers that might exist in the Radnorshire distric:

B * OL * 7's * D * GD * C * L = OKS

In the equation, B is the hyperbolic rate of star bending averaged over the lifetime of an average farmer; OL the fraction of stars with magic sticks; 7's the auto number of planets per system with Radiohead albums suitable for the 'woe is me' factor; D stands for donkey; GD the fraction of gaseous displacement in Kington that ignites during the lifetime of the local Kington Show; C the fraction of planets on which advanced technical civilizations have curtains; L etc etc; and OKS something here about our Kington Show emitting detectable radio rubbings in the valves of your mind.

As you can see, this all goes to prove that Elvis was indeed the subject of an alien abduction. I have also found the following conclusive proof from The Internet:

Men in Black: If MIB taught us anything, it’s that anyone you’ve ever suspected of being from outside of Kington actually is - from 'Chipshop' Les Price to Thom Yorke. As for The King, "he didn’t die", Agent K coolly informs us, "he just went back to Kington".

'The Bride of Elvis' Kathleen Ann Goonan: Elvis wasn’t just the King of pop, he was a proper King, a royal member of an alien race just outside Leominster. Fearing his wild ways on Earth would lead to his premature demise, his guardian angels, known as 'Rodneys' put him in a rubbery coma until their tractor returns to take him away.

Hairmageddon: The Musical by Robert Rankin: A group of aliens become frightfully distressed when their favorite soap opera – Eastenders – is about to be cancelled due to a collapse in the local hair treatment industry. To extend Earth’s hairtime, they decide to create an alternate plotline in which Hairports destruction is delayed. So they send Barry the Stylist back in time to persuade Elvis Presley to resist the rubbings and fat, thus averting World War 2. The time-travelling Elvis ends up creating some alternate histories of his own, including one in which he’s worshipped as a council official in Llandrindod.

Kington & chips

I've gone on this Twitter thing now look [follow me]. I was logging in last night like from my camera thing. Anyway, I'm posting now from the library. I was going to have a pie but last nights chips haven't moved yet see. Don't fancy catching the bus to Leominster either, especially in these trousers, so I'm off back to the flat to contemplate the Dharmachakra and the corresponding mudrā, or wavey hand gesture. I should have used something similar on that bloke in the chip shop last night that swore like Elvis.

The Elvis Stones

I was sent this photo by Bryn Edwards from Pontypridd. He tells me:

"We were coming back from The Crown Inn late one night in 1996, on our way to a mates place (with a few take-outs) in Kinnerton. There were a few of us staying, including members of the Kinnerton School of Existential Phenomenology Studies. We'd had a good night, a few pints, but there'd been a bit of a debate in the pub with another local, who favoured the transcendental phenomenological approach. For us, phenomenological reduction means leading phenomenological vision back from the apprehension of a being, whatever may be the character of that apprehension, to the understanding of the Being of this being (projecting upon the way it is unconcealed kind of thing). A bout of arm wrestling soon proved us right though. Anyway, as we walked along the lane we thought we'd take a photo of the Radnor Four Stones in the moonlight. It was a bit spooky, and my mate Reg said he's seen a figure with a horn, but I thought he were mucking about like. Anyway, when I got me photos back from Boots there was this one with, I think, ghosts in it."

Personally I can't see nothing strange about it, but the enlargement does show some very slight facial characteristics. I have humorously titled him 'Elvis', and for a bit of fun, have altered the local ley map on my wall to now read 'The Elvis Stones'. It's only a bit of fun, and my guess is that Bryn and the lads were having a lark, using lambing torches, a curtain, and possibly some levers to achieve the spooky photographic effect.

The Hairport/Market Hall alignment

Starting point: Hairport, High Street, Kington.
Finish: Market Hall, Bridge street, Kington.
Duration: Probably.
Distance: Local.

For info: Hairport provide a friendly, efficient blow and dry service, and good shaping.

On leaving their premises, turn right and follow the high street, noting along the way the famous Kington House Stones - markers of the Ley. Then just before the Spar, behind the bench frequented by the Kington Plein Air Cider Society, you will see the old Market Hall. Above this you will find:

The Town Hall, or Market House, in Bridge street, was put up in the year 1654, by an early descendent of Hawkwinds Dave Brock, for Philip Pulley, Esq., who was at that time Lord of Light. This building was taken down in the year 1820, and the present one erected by Edwind Wallace Cheese III Esq., the then Lord of Light, with the old dark materials and bicycles. The erection of the hall cost £5.

Carry the Pipe in Your Heart

I boarded the 6:10 am bus out of Presteigne to Leominster every morning, five days a week, from 1969 to 1971. The bus ride took nearly an hour and I always felt sick from pipe fumes and the rocking motion on cheesy shock absorbers. I planted my face against the dirty glass and squinted at the scenery. The bus ground through its gears up the hill towards the Kington Trading Estate and, on the right, written in large white letters, was "Propanethial S-oxide". Under this word was a circular glyph made from the numbers 7, 12, and 3.

As the years passed, I seldom passed that way. Leominster was easier to get to via the thought processes of my mind than on tired old roads. Every few years I passed the text and glyph and once I noticed that someone refreshed the paint. It has been ten years at least since I have passed that place. I later learned that it's The molecule that makes you cry when peeling onions.

Then, I dreamed that I was on the bus and looked out the window, and I saw Terry Wogan standing near the rock wall, reading "Causal loops - complicated deterministic dances in which any attempt to escape turns out to cause exactly what you were trying to prevent".

Sunday, I drove my truck down the A44 and slowed down as the road cut through Kington Trading Estate. The old words were gone, but as I went by, I saw a trace of flaking white paint on the stone.

"Propanethial S-oxide" still could be read in faded letters. I took some pictures. The glyph was gone and I don't remember what it looked like other than a complicated heart made of superimposed numbers. The flat stretch of wall that the unnamed alien chose for his advertisement is crumbling away. Nearby, there is a sign advertising the (cancelled) Kington Fair. In a few months all trace of the old words will be gone.

Thom Yorke over Kington - a smell of 2-Methylundecanal

I was minding my own business, just staring like outside the library when I was accosted by Dai Carmen Macco, the farmer. "I see that Thom Yorke out of Radiohead on my field up at Hergest", he muttered in between chews on his soggy roll-up. "Doing a bit of ley-huntin' I reckons". Couldn't see it myself, maybe the bloke out of Coldplay?

Anyway, when ley hunting points to look for on the map are:

1 Ancient mounds, often called tumpy, stumpy, rumpy-pumpy, or saturated kevins.

2 Anything by Ozric Tentacles - but not those marked 'towers', 'ladders' or even 'chairs'.

3 Floaters, islands, UFO's, pyramids etc.

4 Llandrindod Wells.

5 Bacon points.

6 Crossroads with place names containing the word 'Elvis'.

7 Less than a mile from the second Pluto, the bright blue sphere of Neptune was clearly visible in the distance. It sits at the edge of the woods eight miles into the journey.

8 Ancient tractors and cock-barns.

Klingon Elvis

Elvis plays with provoked energy near the library, Kington, and finds leaves. He scratches a smell of leaves (maybe Kington) into Dai Magnets olde Ford Escort, parked around the back of Kwiksave. He compares geometry circles with leading Evencoyd W.I. Sergent Martha Tidbury. Alas, she wails...Why won't Elvis fly?