Was I researched by aliens?

'The Vicar' sent me this one he found, I think he's been looking on that internet again.

Sometime in the last 5 years (I forgot the date see) I suddenly woke up in bed, and I was suddenly fully awake and bright, not asleep, but awake. Not drunk, or asleep. I had the feeling I had been somewhere else, not the pub. The feeling was so clear, I wasn't p#ssed, but I could not remember the place. It definitely wasn't a pub, though maybe it was a restaurant - I could tell this via the stench.

Some time later, it looked like an inside curtain opened a bit inside of my valves and I got a flash around the back of my face. I still don't know where I was that night, maybe it was Leominster, but I remember what happened.

I was surrounded by living creatures on a bed or a flying chair. The men had drugged me and put a sort of big plastic helmet on my head, a bit like a traffic cone. It was radio controlled and aligned towards The Ridge, and someone or something had a big lever or stick, and rubbed it over the helmet. It went smoothly, very fast up and down and behind them. I did not feel it touch my hair, but I could see the shape of him.

The pin scanned many lines on the surface of the cone, or helmet, it looked like horizontal and vertical meridian lines like you see on a segment of Battenburg. It made a scratching sound, like a little glass horse on ice.

The man did not tell me why they were doing it, and they did not hurt me at all. They were calm and quiet using their levers, and one of them had another leg, or arm, around the back of him, tucked under his thing.

I was supposed not to remember it at all. And somehow I know that they know that I was able to remember this little part, but they didn't know that I knew that they knew him. I remember nothing, and I am not trying to remember more of their gasses, curtain closed.

So I don't know - was this a strange dream, or an alien alignment behind me? It would explain a lot - the grazes on my knee, the empty crisp packet in my pocket, the thumping headache the next morning. But the human brain is a complicated thing like a really complicated form, so you can never be sure it could be something to do with the council like.

UFO Landings on The Ridge part 1

Kington has long been a hotbed of UFO sightings largely because Radnorshire is home to the Leominster to Kington miniature pyramid alignments. Hergest Ridge is alleged to be a popular UFO landing rubber. And one man, local farmer Les Rubbings says he talked to ET's many times on 'The Ridge'.

Local expert Don Ledges says it is a landing strip of sorts. He claimed to have witnessed several UFO landings on The Ridge, which he wrote about in a series of books, titled 'Landings on The Ridge part 1', 'Landings on The Ridge part 2' and 'Landings on The Ridge part 3'.

One account by local butcher Hal Meat describes eleven visitations to Hergest Ridge in the early 50s when Mike Oldfield was about and could be seen up there riding a glass horse. The first time it happened, Hal says, he got off work late at night and went to the top of the Ridge, which was once a seabed, to search for fossilized aliens. After taking a nap, he awoke to find himself surrounded by tiny little men.

In that first incident atop The Ridge, Mr Meat said he encountered 8 to 10 alien beings. They were between seven inches and five feet tall, had olive skin that made them look like they were from Leominster, he said, wore 'strange aprons?', and they all carried levers, which they fiddled with continuously. They leaned slightly, with his arms tucked slightly behind their torso, legs folded underneath and another arm behind him.

Eventually, Meat said he was allowed to go inside the 3000-foot flying saucer, which is where he met the captain of the ship, Aura Price, whom he described as, "covered in shapes and smelling like a tree?" Aura told Meat all about her planet and its utopian virtues and hinted that we earthlings should 'sort yourselves out look'.

Although Meat's tale caused quite a stir, The Ridge did not become a place of pilgrimage for UFO believers, as The Leominster Parallelogram did decades later. Eventually the contactees like Meat faded from public view and sought refuge in drink and crisps, their stories of benign aliens replaced by darker tales of pens, conkers and sinister local geometry circles.

Some of Don Ledges's books can still be found in old book stores or for sale online but I wouldn't bother with them as they're rubbish like.

Most Haunted touched my arse

I nearly spilled my cider last night. I was back at the B&B watching a tape of an old Most Haunted (with Derek Pakora, not the new bald geezer with the eyes and muttering), and 'touched my hair' girl screamed that something had "touched my bum". She then demonstrated this (unnecessarily in my opinion) on alignments 'expert' Kieran O'Tiddles rear shapes.

And this was in the 'good old days' when it was all light anomalies and magic sticks. You don't get them now look, it's all high pitched whistly things at every place they go to (are they being followed by the ghost of Percy Edwards?) or a good old punch up between Karl and some ghostly ghastly Phil Mitchell type/Kington on a Friday night is it.

Welcome to Soraya Space

Bumped into 'The Shuffler' around the lake yesterday and arranged to collect some old Soraya Space tapes to convert onto CD. It was thought he'd gone underground, and remained hidden despite repeated attempts by The Gaffer, and The Vicar to locate him, but it appears they were simply looking in the wrong place.

Abnormal service will now resume.

Bigfoot Crosses A44 near Whalton, Herefordshire

Today The Welsh Strangeness Journal reported there was a Bigfoot sighting on the A44 near Waltin, Herefordshire during Waltern Wicca Week Jne 27th/May 1973. Waltun is a small town in Northern California between the San Francisco Curtain and Leominster, famous for it's village plinth made from local teeth.

According to reporter Les Williams - Bill Rubbers of Hereford and at least one other driver saw the 20 foot high alien step into the southbound lane near the remains of an old mini Radnorshire pyramid by the side of the road. It ran into the path of a tractor and caused the attached farmer to push hard on his stick. The tractor, which was trying to overtake Bills car, managed to avoid hitting the Bigfoot by activating a special lever and continued on it's alignment towards New Radnor without stopping look.

Rubbers said the man ran upright on its legs until it got to the middle of the road. It then leaned over and ran with its arms tucked slightly behind it's ears, and legs folded underneath, a fold, to safety in the nearby pub. Bigfoot investigator Joel Grinds told the reporter between drinks that the fact that the Bigfoot used its arms to fold underneath it's legs, which were behind the folded area, towards it's knees, "highly unusual like".

At that point some might think the creature was a monster, or hedgehog, but Rubbers got a good look at his face - the Bigfoot was only 25 inches away from her.

The description:
Estimated at seven to twenty feet tall.
It was covered with hair, apart from the folded section which was coated in plastic.
The face was scary, like a pen.
When it turned to look at Rubbers its neck was bent upwards so it turned its entire body into the folded zone, behind the knee.
Its face was gold, like gold or a squidgy ripe banana. Or a vicar.
It had a completely smooth, shiny forehead with deep ridges and cracks.
The eyes glowed red, like two little horses holding tiny lanterns in the middle of his face.
It had lips and smoked a fag.
It had a local face.
It appeared to be suffering from heavy drinking.

Rubbers filed reports with the Kington Department of UFO's and with the Radnor County Sheriff’s Department N.J. At first he didn’t realize it was a Bigfoot, he thought it was just a large boy.

Stonehenge alien tin photo

Right, finally got that photo mentioned in the last story from Les. I've got a suspicion that he may have edited it slightly though. Dunno, look what you think see:

The alien monolith inside Stonehenge

Another one from Les, he sent me this. I think he's been looking on the internet:

"Some local farmers returned from a visit of the mysterious Stonehenge geometrical tin. They went as it's something to see. Wilf and Ada my dearest friends were fascinated and awed at this immense rubbery structure. It is always good to go see these mysterious places for yourself and not just on the telly with a can. Wilf and Ada discovered something not seen in many of their telly programmes and paranormal DVD's and tapes. They took a photographic picture of it and sent it to my barn in Cascob. (n.b. Les didn't attach the picture but I'll ring him up for it look)

They have an idea that Arthur C. Clarke's movie 2001 Star Trek is real. They saw one of the dark Monolith tins on the programme inside one of the little Sarsen stones, hiding in him like a glass horse behind a curtain.

In his film this Monolith boy had been on Earth in the very dawn of mankind, long before Kington was even built. Stonehenge's age goes way back before 1732. How could this giant tin get embedded into him and then transported to the thing? Tractors weren't around then look.

Stonehenge was used possibly as an alignment machine and a space calculator for aliens and giants. Stonehenge has bits positioned that show where Leominster and Hereford are at key times of the year (Leominster in particular is known to 'wander'). It's all about local council resources.

One wonders if this is a massive stone lever provided to the Ancient people of Stonehenge by Arthur C. Clarke."

One wonders about your sanity Les.

Aliens making crop circle video

I bumped into Wynn Price in The Chocolate Box yesterday who alerted me to this video:

UFO buffys are studying a film that allegedly was taken by shocked locals on a farm near the town of Sorayaspace in the Spanish province of Kingtony. It is believed to have been filmed fairly recently.

The Video (below) shows alleged aliens burning a field after what appears to be a crop circle magic session. At least three extraterrestrials are seen in the footage. It is unknown how the alleged aliens got to the field as no UFO can be seen anywhere on him.

UFO and paranormal expert Michael Joel Rosen comments "This has the stench of a hoax. The alien silhouettes do look like rather typical Axthadans from a distance but that is hardly surprising as notions of Axthadan features have been circulating around Leominster for years."

"When will hoaxers realize that footage that ends with a camera pointing pointlessly at the ground while its owner pants for breath don’t make things appear more realistic" concluded a grumpy Rosen.

UFO sighting, Herefordshire

I had this one in from Les:

Date: July tent, 2009
Time: 12:30pm
Location: Near Oxford Arms, Kington
Conditions: Usual - rain, boy racers, tractors
Camera & Film: None
UFO sound? A rubbery thwack
UFO lights? A bit like a streetlight, but more blurry like and possibly a raven inside him
Duration: ~45 seconds

I just popped outside the pub like for a quick a smoke, and I noticed him in the eastern sky over the library - a kind of giant glass lightulb that looked like it had a big wooden leg coming down onto the ground, with a raven, or possibly a black seagull in him. At first, I thought that it was just an ordinary streetlight with a bird on him, but I soon took note that the moving about and that was not consistent with any streetlight/raven/black seagull combination I've ever seen in Kington.

The light, coloured mostly orange, moved at a rate of one conker. The light was illuminated for 0ms and was off for another 0ms. The flashes were evenly spaced on the stick; never erratic. He also hung stationary in the air for approximately 25 seconds, then suddenly began to slowly move off to the left until it was obscured by a kind of misty curtain approximately ten seconds later.

While in the process of moving off, it caused me to fall sideways, dropping my pint look and hurting the mans elbow on the road. There was no engine noise evident - at the apparent distance it was from my face I would have probably heard engine noise if it had (a) conventional tractor engine(s) or (b) magic propulsion.

Because of its flashing and movement patterns on my face, I can safely discount astronomical bodies like planets, stars, or stone circles.

I hurt my elbow, but at least the raven in him didn't take me away and I managed to get back in for a last one.

Michael Jackson 'evaporates'

From the first reports of Michael Jackson's death, the perhaps inevitable conspiracy theories began taking his shape across the interwebs. Farming blogs, Twitter, local forums and agricultural networking sites have been buzzing with increasingly absurd theories. Or maybe they're not so absurd...

Even as Jackson was being taken to hospital in Los Angeles, L.A. California local blogger Wynn Trumpet wrote: "Jacko pulled a similar stunt when he was getting ready for a BBQ special in '65 when he 'evaporated' in rehearsals in nearby Lyonshall village hall. He was dragging his heels on that one just like his upcoming 50 date residency starting at the Farmers Arm in presteigne".

He went on: "Either he's hiding behind a curtain or making himself invisible using his magic stick, but we're curious to see if he turns up look".

The post was later taken down by angry local resident Betty Dartboard of Cascob.

Many theories claim the star faked his death to escape his increasingly deranged Radnorshire fan club, 'The Michael Jackson Conkers'.

"I think he's had enough of the old boys around here sending him turnips wrapped up in rubber sheets, so he fakes his death see, assumes a new identity and disappears in a puff of gas" read one post on the Radnorshire Farmers Network Society Forum.

It has been suggested that Michael can now be found farming, near Leominster.

Mexican UFO flying humanoids

This is quite strange...what look like 20% scale little glass Elvis men flying around like UFO's. Makes me feel a bit funny watching them like, glad I didn't have that extra pint of Asbestos Head last night...

Michael Jackson ghost thing

Is this The King of Pop back from the other side of the curtain for a quick moonwalk, or Nigel Touchy on holiday in that America?

Haunted Hereford underpants

The Primar shop is located on Hereford's Wideface Street and has hunnerts of locals in and out and past it's curtains every day like, but there's a lot of spooky ghostis and UFO's inside him. The shop is known to stand on the site of where the Giant Thing hotel previously was, which was a small, old, black wooden box that was a popular public convenience to many local old boys passing via tractor in the 1600's.

They say that a graveyard occupied the site before the Giant Thing was built. Possibly a stone circle or two, and in the centre, aligned facing North to Leominster, a giant alabaster plinth with a picture or photograph of a horse on it. Of course, this is just what the locals say, so there may be no reality in this.

The shop itself is massive compared to what you get around Kington, and I regularly go there for socks and undergarmenture. The ghosts and alien beings that frequent this shop live in the stock room and special alignments office.

The ghost of a farmer has been seen wandering around on numerous occasions, and the staff have given him the name Nigel Touchy. One member of staff who met the ghost was so upset and traumatised by the rubbings that she left her job altogether, although some say she had been drinking and was going to get the boot anyway as they were fed up with her.

It is also believed that Nigel travels through the shops next door (via a special cosmic magic curtain of the sort that derren brown carries around for his tricks like) - the levers shop which is one shop down also has a ghostly man in her shop who occasionally visits and he has the same stench, although he sometimes appears at 20% actual size.

The shop one door away from Primar on the left, just past the thing with the brown stick also has a ghost of a man trapped in the basement, so it could be the same ghost travelling in between all three of these shops. Or it might be a different one see. They have nicknamed this one Harry Cups.

The Giant Thing hotel it had a reputation for being one of Herefords most violent pubs now, and coaches left the hotel daily travelling to Leominster in 1807 carrying old tat. Mr Tony Evans was victualler in 1827 and in 1909 a Wynn Rickety was head of the hotel. He lasted nearly 70 years until Mrs. Amy Levers arrived waving her magic triangle pointy in 1976. Lulu also expressed an interest. The Giant Thing was demolished in the 1960's, and sadly nothing is now left of him, apart from a damp patch in the corner by the gents trousers and some gasses near the bras.

They should get the Most Haunted crew in to investigate, but they wouldn't come, too scared of having her hair touched by Nigel.